Classified Ads of the Weird
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 92 12:51:10 PDT
Subject: Classified Ads of the Weird
This forwarded from Craig Harris <email@example.com>
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than
you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:
>Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like
one of the family.
>A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food
expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
>Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
>For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.
>For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a
table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat,
size 8 and fur collar.
>Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique
>Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.
>Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in
>Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce
>We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.
>No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle
spray will make it really repellent.
>For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
>For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an
>Creative daily specials, including select offerings of
beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.
>7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your
likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
>Great Dames for sale.
>Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
>Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
>20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to
pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and
bottled by us last year.
>Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
>Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
>If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the
Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere,
Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
>Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the
Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink
it all in.
>The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
>Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
>Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
>Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so
serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
>Stock up and save. Limit: one.
>Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
>We build bodies that last a lifetime.
>Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .
>This is the model home for your future. It was panned
by Better Homes and Gardens.
>For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
>For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
>Man, honest. Will take anything.
>Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month.
>Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in
>Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be
willing to travel.
>Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here
>Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the
>Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
>Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or
>3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience
>Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced
yard, meals, and smacks included.
>Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
>Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try
us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
>See ladies blouses. 50% off!
>Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton,
>Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the
food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
>Illiterate? Write today for free help.
>Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
>Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires
person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be
capable of contributing to growth of family.
>Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.
>Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
>Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
>And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched
in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
>We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in
your home for $1.00.
> And these beauties from the radio:
>Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a
>Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High
Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their
>When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in
the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
>Tune in next week for another series of classical music
programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
© 1992 Peter Langston