Fun_People Archive
7 Dec
superchip announcement

Date: Mon,  7 Dec 92 16:31:41 PST
To: Fun_People
Subject: superchip announcement

 From: <pep@research.att.com>
 From: schaefer@hri.com (Rich Schaefer)
 From: Craig Hughes <limey@hri.com>

  ----- PRESS RELEASE ----------------------------------------------------

 An IBM laboratory in Zurich unveiled the world's fastest chip this week.
 The chip, code named "Timeless", is based on high temperature
 superconductors and is capable of transferring data signals faster
 than the speed of light.  This makes it possible for a computer based
 on this chip to produce answers before questions are asked.

 Using this technology, the Hursley laboratory has been able to produce
 a program product before the user requirements were known.  Industry
 analysts found the Hursley announcement humorous, citing that IBM has
 been writing program products without user requirements for years.
 Products created using the Hursley method are still expected to miss
 their ship dates due to the excessive length of the Fall and Spring
 planning cycles.

 The Communication Products Systems Test organization is using the same
 technology to test program products in zero days.  Said a spokesperson
 in Raleigh, "It's amazing.  Just preparing to test the software
 thoroughly causes it to be tested.  It's like the system can read your
 mind."  Oddly enough, planning experts in System Test are reporting
 that regardless of the productivity gains realized by the Timeless
 chip, the average test duration is expected to be nine months.

 There have been rumors of some odd side-effects of the Timeless chip.
 Some customers have been receiving products before they order them.
 Most customers we interviewed did admit that they were planning to
 order the new software when it arrived.  They said that they liked the
 speed with which the products arrived, but they disliked IBM's new
 policy of billing them before they ordered anything.  Said an IBM
 billing expert, "We knew they were going to think about ordering some
 software, so we thought we would think about billing them."

 IBM Service has made some exciting advances in hardware and software
 maintenance based on these side-effects.  IBM Service worldwide has
 begun a free preventative maintenance program in which the IBM
 Customer Engineers think about fixing all the problems of every
 customer.  Said an IBM Service representative, "The program is working
 very well.  Service calls are down 99%.  The only calls we are getting
 now are to fix hardware and software that hasn't been invented yet."

 If you are thinking of ordering computer systems which uses the
 Timeless chip, they can be ordered from IBM.
 Of course, if you have been thinking about ordering one, it is
 probably on its way to you right now.

© 1992 Peter Langston