Have A Nice Day
Date: Fri, 30 Jul 93 21:21:56 PDT
Subject: Have A Nice Day
From: vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU!bostic (Keith Bostic)
"Am I A Raving Psychopath, Or What?"
Self-Test By Dr. RICHARD DAY (Renowned Psychiatrist)
We all harbor a certain amount of hostility and aggression
within us. It is inevitable; a strain that stems back to our
origins as Neanderthal creatures who hunted to survive, rarely
bathed, and practically never said either "please" or "thank
you." When huge fanged beasts roamed the Earth freely and fire
was a valuable enough commodity for which to kill, this hostility
was an essential trait needed for everyday survival. In the
modern world, however, clubbing someone over the head as hard as
you can with a blunt piece of wood for no apparent reason is just
exactly the sort of behavior that will have you banished from all
the best dinner parties. Still, these aggressive urges remain
inside us and need to be vented in one way or another if we are
to remain psychologically well. Realizing this, the subconscious
mind finds means through which to do so in our daily "acceptable"
behavior. Heavy metal music is one such way.
We listen to loud abrasive guitars and the violent lyrics as
delivered through primal screams of some evolutionary throwback
and are purged; afterwards, we can work, shop, and play Trivial
Pursuit without even experiencing even the slightest desire to
see parts of someone's brain spray from their shattered skull and
splatter against a wall, and drip slowly to the floor while their
body collapses like a fallen tree and blood spurts from their
jugular vein with the rhythm of their dying heart until a large
portion of the carpet is completely ruined.
Still, there are dangers. As the Richard Ramirez "Night
Stalker" case glaringly pointed out, too much heavy metal can
have the opposite effect: It can actually drive reasonable young
men to random violence. The question is, how much is too much?
And at what point to people cross the line which separates the
thrashers from the slashers? The simple and tragic fact is that
nobody knows. And worse still, none of the affected realize they
have become psychotic until it is FAR TOO LATE! Sometimes it
occurs to them while they are engaged in an extremely antisocial
action such as dicing a victim and placing the portions in
freezer-safe ziplock bags, but by then they usually don't care.
There is no one personality type who is especially at risk,
either -- the only connecting thread in the preliminary stages is
an overwhelming obsession for heavy metal music. If you enjoy
hard rock more than the average person... well, first of all don't
panic, the chances are you are completely stable. If you find
you listen to one especially violent song over and over again on
your Walkman while torturing the neighbors' pets, you should
consider it as a warning sign. It is an indication of brewing
rage within yourself, and dwelling so much on the extremely
violent imagery in such songs you can come to believe that it is
only through violence that you can ever be at peace with
yourself, when in fact all you need is a strong sedative. To
help you determine whether or not you've "gone metal," I have
developed a simple evaluative test which you can take in the
privacy of your own home. Follow the instructions in each
section and circle the correct answers with a ball-point pen,
then check your results with the chart at the end. If you were
planning to use a severed finger, you can skip the test entirely
and go right to the chart.
PART I: Multiple-Choice Questionnaire
Circle what you feel is the appropriate response to each
1. Finish the rhyme: "Roses are red,
violets are blue,
you are so sweet,
and I love ______.
A. you B. mom C. chainsaws
2. True or false: "Every human being has the absolute right to
live until they die of natural causes, and Ginsu knife stabbing
is not a natural cause."
A. True B. False C. Chainsaws
3. Which answer to the following joke do you think is the
"What's black and white and red all over?"
A. a newspaper B. a zebra with a sunburn
C. Michael Jackson and Brooke Shields being run over by a lawn mower
4. Complete the phrase. "A woman's place is in the ______."
A. Home B. Workforce C. Blender
5. Sally is a woman, and all women are beautiful.
Therefore, Sally is _____.
A. Beautiful B. A woman
C. The Antichrist, who must be exterminated if the human race is
to survive. I am humanity's savior!!!
6. Which of the following movies do you feel has the most
A. "Day of the Dead" B. "The Exterminator" C. "The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre" D. "Places in the Heart"
7. "I experience feelings of paranoia..."
A. Never B. Sometimes C. Often
D. If I tell you you'll use the information to have me killed
8. For who/which do you have the most respect?
A. Your parents B. The law C. God
D. "The little voice inside my head that tells me to do things."
9. Which of the following is not a definition of the word "coed?"
A. Coeducational B. A female student
C. Open to both men and women
D. A device used to sharpen and store knives
E. All of the above are definitions of the word "coed"
F. If I tell you you'll use the information to have me killed
10. "At McDonalds, I especially like to order..."
A. Quarter-pounder B. McB.L.T.
C. Egg McMuffin with hashbrowns
D. People to lie down on the floor and put their hands behind
PART II: Circle each of the following statements you identify with:
"I love everything about life, and I could never harm so much as
a hair on my fellow man's head."
"I am basically an well-adjusted person, with perfectly normal
fits of rage once in a while."
"I often feel as though I can't control my own actions."
"If you had my problems, you'd slash people to ribbons too."
"Everyone I kill in this world will become my slave for all
eternity in the afterlife."
"I am a Martian from space who must rid the Earth of humans so
that my fellow aliens can take over."
"Blood, glorious blood, everywhere... a sea of death in which to
swim and cleanse myself... Helter Skelter! Sweet virgin pig cut
to pieces! Rip out the throat of Time, smear god guts all over
the wall! I love the smell of bile in the morning!"
"Sally Field deserved both of her academy awards."
PART III: Choose one of the following subjects on which to write
a short essay. Don't worry, you don't have to write the essay;
what's important is which subject appeals to you.
"Why I Love Ribbons and Smurfs"
"Sharing and Cooperation: A Recipe for World Peace"
"The Joy of Necrophilia"
While there are no "right" or "wrong" answers, there are "well"
and "sicko" answers, and my test has been designed in such a way
that you can tabulate your own results quickly and easily. The
problem is that if you are indeed psychotic even my simple system
might be too intricate for you, and you could conceivably score
your results inaccurately and incorrectly deem yourself to be
perfectly fine. To prevent this, I must insist that you mail
your test to this magazine for professional evaluation, and do
enclose a check made out to me or "CASH" for $100.00 to cover
handling expenses. That may seem like a lot of money, but if you
don't pay it you'll never know for sure whether you're a walking
time-bomb just waiting for the right moment to degenerate into a
knife-wielding maniac bent on carving your way into history.
Have a nice day.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dr Richard Day doesn't live anyplace, and he
doesn't have a wife, children, parents, or even pets for that matter.
Furthermore, he has mystical powers, and if you ever get within
ten miles of him you'll be turned into ash instantly.
© 1993 Peter Langston