Using Science To Answer A Biggie
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 93 12:32:33 PST
Subject: Using Science To Answer A Biggie
From: email@example.com (jp)
Consider for a moment, if you will, the value of a human being. Some
contend that each life is priceless, a gift not to be wasted. Others will
state that a person is only worth whatever their individual chemical makeup
will get on the open market (approx. $2.37).
Consider now, though, what a person would be worth if they were converted
to pork rinds. Yes, that tasty treat which all must have at least once in
their lives is truly the best way to judge the worth of a person.
To wit, consider first a case study:
We have determined the worth of Rush Limbaugh in terms of pork rinds, and
the monetary value contained therein.
First, a pork rind is roughly equal to twice the mass of the fatty flesh
used. This is true since the flesh absorbs the grease in which it is
cooked. This is an approximation, hence more research must be done on this.
Now, conservatively speaking (since, of course, we are speaking of Rush),
the esteemed Mr. Limbaugh contains about 100 pounds of excess mass. This
is equal to 1600 ounces. Conversion of this mass to pork rinds gives 3200
ounces of pork rinds. The average pork rind weighs approximately 1 ounce
(this is important later), giving us 3200 pork rinds. As the average bag
of pork rinds weighs 4 ounces, this would give us 800 bags of pork rinds.
At $1.50 a bag, we would have $1200. Not a bad haul for one person. But....
Let us complicate matters. Rush has a certain popularity which instantly
increases the salability of a product which has his name on it. So, if we
were to fashion each pork rind which we obtained from Rush in likeness of
him, call the product PorkBaugh's LimRinds or PorkBaugh's RushRinds, and
sell each for $2.50, we would now be making $8000. This is more like it.
We have now determined what Rush is worth in pork rinds.
Leading to the general case, we get the equation:
$$$ = ((M*2)/4)*($1.50 + S)
$$$ = money
M = excess mass
S = salability factor (determined by how well known a
person is, quite hard to determine).
You can now impress your friends and loved ones by telling them how much
they are worth as pork rinds.
© 1993 Peter Langston