Date: Mon, 15 Nov 93 14:08:05 PST
Subject: Non-Platonic kisses
Dear Doctor Rude,
I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you
explain to me the differences between the following kisses?
1. Aristotelian kiss
2. Hegelian kiss
3. Wittgensteinian kiss
4. Godelian kiss
Flummoxed in Florida
That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on
secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get
exposed to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief
but clear summary of some of these important types of kisses:
Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely
from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data
by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.
Hegelian kiss -- a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates
its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.
Wittgensteinian kiss -- the important thing about this type of kiss is
that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation
we associate with the experience of the kiss--which must necessarilly
also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and
which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the
different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and,
as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations
about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on our
manipulation of the symbology therefor.
Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet
leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.
Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list--here are just a few other
Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be
the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however,
compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander
around a lot more and cover more ground. [Probably due to the state
of "kiss feedback" frenzy resulting from the propensity to answer
a kiss with a kiss. -psl]
Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is
performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't
actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it
the best kiss you've ever given or received.
Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to
transform you but ends up just bugging you.
Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even
though it really doesn't matter anyway.
Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and
tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even
though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.
Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.
Pythagorean kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new
and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear
that others would find out about them and start using them.
Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement:
"I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as
Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt
that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded
movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder
Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the
less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the
more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme
versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because
the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if
you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however,
that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy
Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust
Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.
Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would
not kiss him or her. [Recently repopularized as "the Woody." -psl]
Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me.
Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never
Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique
that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it,
especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode (email@example.com)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.
© 1993 Peter Langston