Date: Thu, 17 Feb 94 12:42:37 PST
Subject: Olympic flash
[Here come our newscasters Bob and Jill with their demonstration of the
Hearst Uncertainty Principle! -psl]
From: "Adam L. Buchsbaum" <alb@spiff.RESEARCH.ATT.COM>
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Carl de Marcken)
BOB: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to tonight's exciting Olympic coverage
on CBS. Coming up in a few minutes -- the synchronized luge event we've
all been waiting for. But first, let's drop in on a few of the proud
people of Lillehammer, Norway. Jill?"
JILL: "Thanks, Bob. We have with us today Bjxrn and Merja Dfhlie. Bjxrn
works in a local clog manufacturing plant, and he's going to show us all
the different kinds of wood they use to make their shoes, from particle
board to sturdy Norwegian balsa. So, Bjxrn, it must be very exciting to be
in the same country as Tonya Harding."
BJXRN: "Ja, but don' y:u wont to hear aboot the clogs?"
JILL: "We've noticed many Norwegians wearing shin guards and knee
protectors. Is this an ancient tradition?"
BJXRN: "Ja, dates back to last Toesday."
JILL: "So what is the most awe-inspiring *human* drama you've ever witnessed
in your life as a humble clogmaker?"
BJXRN: "Ja, that wos when we hed to make the clogs out of lutefisk during
the war. Very exciting time. Very human."
JILL: "And *very* relevant to these Olympic games, where men and women
alike are pitted against each other in a fantastic clog-spanning
championship battle of wits, skill, weather conditions, luck, endurance,
money, political allegiances and fortitude."
<three hours later>
MERJA: "Ja. Ja."
JILL: "Back to you at Death Spiral Course, Bob."
BOB: "Well, the synchronized luge event was quite spectacular this year,
but a *tremendous* disappointment for the American team. Let's take a look
at their run. Well, only the part where they crashed. Actually, only the
second half of the crash- can't go overboard on coverage, now. What
happened there, Speedy?"
SPEEDY: "Look at how they're starting to get of of synch here -- Martin's a
little late on that turn -- that's gonna cost them whompam points -- the
sled starts to get a little out of control, there's a little whammy on the
track, and then... WHOA, he's under the runners! That's gotta..."
BOB: "Enough of the technical stuff: Looks like their OLYMPIC DREAMS ARE
SHATTERED! Let's go to the parents of Martin Habelford in Cedar Rapids,
Iowa, to talk about how their son brought disgrace to this once-proud
country. Mrs. Habelford, how do you feel about your son's disaster here on
Death Spiral Course?"
MRS. HABELFORD: "Well, I thought he did pretty well, considering he only
took up the sport a few months ago. I mean, the US didn't have anyone
competing in the synchronized luge event, and he decided it might be fun,
so he and his friend Jenny from the high school orchestra (second flute,
you know) just went out to a hill nearby and gave it their best shot. They
did beat the Jamaicans, you know."
BOB: "But Mrs. Habelford, his life must be OVER now. This must be a
terrible trauma for the whole family!"
MRS. HABELFORD: "Not really. He'll probably just go back to grad school
for a while. He was going to do that anyway. He and Jenny were just
hoping to make it to Norway at all. The plane fares are so expensive you
BOB: "Do you think your husband's tragic unemployment after his
debilitating bout with cancer contributed to Martin's horrific lack of
concentration in that last turn?"
MRS. HABELFORD: "Actually, Mr. Habelford just has strep throat and will be
back at the office next week. Really, we're a fairly well-adjusted and
moderately well-off American family, with no great needs or problems.
Martin's Olympic thing was just a lark. He and Jenny just thought it would
be cool to hang out in the Olympic village with that Tomba fellow. Want a
BOB: "Clearly Martin's disaster has left the whole family shell-shocked and
barely able to take things one day at a time. But you can be sure Martin
will be back, and life will eventually -- somehow -- return to normal at
the Habelford home. Now let's look at the highlights of the Super GSB
downhill. The day began with high hopes for Mike Bushnell to speed the
Americans to yet another gold this year. His friends call him "MIB" -- now
let's get up close and personal with this great Yankee competitor. So,
Mike, which beer have you chosen?"
MIKE: "The snow looks a little humid today, with some stratified cone
layers beneath the crust, so I'll be going with a Guinness green wax for
the first half of the course, then swapping in some Pete's Wicked for the
icy lower section."
BOB: "Mike, some people are saying that as a card-carrying member of the
MIT AI Lab, you don't stand a chance in hell here. Your comments?"
MIKE: "The world has yet to see the true power of Ackerman's function.
That's all I'll say on the matter, at least at this intonation."
BOB: "What's this? No, Tonya, no! Look out, Mike!"
<whack whack whack>
MIKE: "Auuugh! The agony! The horror! I think my meta key finger is
broken! Why me?!"
BOB: "Well, looks like his coding dreams are gone. Gone, gone, gone.
Gonity, gonity, gone gone gone, gonedom city. And the Norwegians now have
a chance for a third unparalleled gold in the Super GSB. Treacherous
tragedy for tempest-tossed America on the slippery slopes of this humble
hamlet of lutefisk-loving Lillehammer. That's all for today, folks, except
for the ads. Join us again on Friday afternoon for the Super GSB finals,
where we'll see if Mike lets his country down just like poor Martin
Join us at this week's
S U P E R G I R L S C O U T B E N E F I T
to be held at 5:30 p.m. on Friday, February 18th, 1994, where we will cheer
Mike and other lab Olympians on to the glory they so rightly deserve.
© 1994 Peter Langston