Date: Wed, 9 Mar 94 16:46:42 PST
Subject: Roshomon revised
[This is good... -Chris LaFournaise]
<forwards put on ice>
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one,
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit
only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something
was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy
could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure
enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but
wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my
apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't
stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw
it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all
the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Saint Peter, and let
the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of an
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over
the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the
floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this
man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he
started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he
ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my
hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the
bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going
to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me
instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process
was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "Here I am, hiding naked inside a
© 1994 Peter Langston