Fun_People Archive
22 Mar
Emo, Emo and More Emo!

Date: Tue, 22 Mar 94 18:40:05 PST
To: Fun_People
Subject: Emo, Emo and More Emo!

[In case you don't know Emo, here, by way of introduction, are a few of his
pronouncements... -psl]
Forwarded-by: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.  When
brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for
drunk driving in that state was.  His reply: "I don't know, reelection to
the Senate?"

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
		-- Emo Phillips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to
mop the floor with your face."  I said, "You'll be sorry."  He said, "Oh,
yeah?  Why?"  I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very
		-- Emo Phillips

The toughest time... in anyone's life... is when you have to kill a loved
one just because they're the devil.
		-- Emo Phillips

I ran three miles today, finally I said "Lady, take your purse."
		-- Emo Phillips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
		-- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
		-- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and they're worried... that I'll reproduce.
		-- Emo Phillips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather 
		-- Emo Phillips

I was at a bar nursing a beer.  My nipple was getting quite soggy.
		-- Emo Phillips

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged
it fifteen feet.
		-- Emo Phillips

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand.  I said "Give me a
bladder por favor."  The guy said "Is that to go?"  I said, "Well, what
else would I want it for?"
		-- Emo Phillips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...
damn anthropologists.
		-- Emo Phillips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying
to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
		-- Emo Phillips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on
television?"  I said, "I don't know.  You can't see out the other way."
		-- Emo Phillips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump
up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only
using blanks.
		-- Emo Phillips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.
So I said, "Get off me, you two!"
		-- Emo Phillips

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the
edge, about to jump off.  So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"  I said, "Well... are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too!  Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."  I said, "Me too!  Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."  I said, "Me too!  Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"  I said, "Wow!  Me too!  Are you Baptist Church of God
or Baptist Church of the Lord?"  He said, "Baptist Church of God!"  I said,
"Me too!  Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed
Baptist Church of God?"  He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"  I
said, "Me too!  Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of
1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"  He said,
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"  I said, "Die,
heretic scum", and pushed him off.
		-- Emo Phillips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge
five dollars for the second glass.  The refill contained the antidote.
		-- Emo Phillips

I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois.  We had a blackout there the other day,
but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got
too far.
		-- Emo Phillips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll
notice, I sent a paper clip with my return.  Given what you've been paying
for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."
		-- Emo Phillips

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five
hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
		-- Emo Phillips

You know what I hate?  Indian givers... no, I take that back.
		-- Emo Phillips

[=] © 1994 Peter Langston []