Fun_People Archive
15 May
Godzilla Care Sheet

Date: Sun, 15 May 94 04:24:57 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Godzilla Care Sheet

Forwarded-by: (m.b.komor)
Forwarded-by: (Rob S. Rice)


     Congratulations!  You detonated a nuclear weapon at the wrong
time, in the wrong place, in the wrong way, and now you are the proud
owner/feeder/panic-stricken victim of over two hundred and fifty feet
of radioactive reptilian flesh!  First of all, as a new Godzilla owner,
there is one thing you should say to yourself:


     That said, as it had to be, let's see what we can do about
prolonging your pet's lifespan, most of which will involve prolonging

Part 1:  Your Pet's Habitat

     Until recently, Godzillae have been found exclusively on Monster
Island and the main islands of Japan.  Of late, however, there have
been accounts of the hulking behemoths in the United States, chiefly in
the area of movie theaters and a number of back alleys in Philadelphia. 
What's important to you is to duplicate your pet's natural surroundings
as closely as possible.

     In the United States, of late, this has become easier due to huge
numbers of Japanese imports into the bloated U.S. Consumer market. 
Your pet should feel right at home, and any large, coastal city with
large ships and elevated trains near the ocean will be suitable for
your pet's rest and recreation.  You should be aware that your pet will
go through 2-3 tankers in the course of each month, and as many
elevated trains as he encounters.  Arrangements with the Liberian
government and your local transportation authority may be advisable.

     You should always provide a hide box in your pet's habitat.  This
will be for you.  We recommend a converted, hardened Titan missile
silo or a mine shaft not less than 350' from the surface in rock no
softer than igneous basalt.  Don't forget to install a filtering system
to remove the lethal Strontium 90 deposited by your pet's breath.  You
will spend a lot of time in your hide box.  This is normal and very,
very, healthy.

Part 2:  Who to Feed Your Pet

  In their natural habitat, Godzillae eat tankers, the Tokyo tower,
Honda Civics, and Koreans.  All but the tankers are more available than
ever before in the United States.  Your pet will most naturally take
his food if you can arrange for large numbers of persons of Asian
descent to proceed in an orderly fashion towards subway tunnels and
Civil Defense shelters wearing silly little gauze masks over their
faces.  Fortunately for you and the cause of universal brotherhood,
your pet will also eat people of other ethnic origins.  We recommend
the following:

    U.S. ex-presidents (alive or recently dead), prosperous politicians and
captains of industry (lots of meat, usually well marbled with fat), Rush
Limbaugh, and Jerry Pournelle, with Charlton Heston, Ayn Rand, Richard Nixon,
Whittaker Chambers, Joseph McCarthy, and the L.A. Police Department thrown in
for spice.  [This list slightly modified to correct errors ... -psl]

Part 3:  Mothras

     In the course of your involuntary association with your pet, you
may find an infestation of Mothras in your pet's substrate (we
recommend Uranium tailings or coal slag for the latter, although he
will spend most of his time in the sea).  The following are signs of
Mothra infestation:

1) A huge glowing egg somewhere in the immediate vicinity--be
very careful not to mistake such for one of those vinyl-
roofed tennis rinks, or very much vice-versa.

2) Two huge giant caterpillars roaming through the subway
tunnels.  Once again, proper identification of exactly what
just pulled up at the transit stop may be in order.

3) A sonic boom followed by the stuff of Lepidoterists'
nightmares, the huge winged insect's presence usually
predicted/followed by the presence of identical singing twins
of 7-8" in height and the typical cynical, relentless,
Hollywood/Ginza promoter.

4) Finding your pet wrapped in miles and miles of sticky,
dental-floss-like material, so that he is unable to move.  In
case of the last, pop the champagne and leave the country.

What to do about Mothras:

     Do really you want to do anything about Mothras?  Oh, very well. 
See if you can convince your pet to sleep on top of the Dow Chemical
plant in Passaic New Jersey, or the nearest nuclear power facility or
the new Federal high-level nuclear waste sight in New Mexico.  If that
doesn't work, try a prayer to St. Jude, the patron saint of lost
causes, or a sacrifice of several dozen cattle or virgins (either sex)
to Hastur, Cthulhu, Ithaqua, and Shub-Internet.   None of these will
harm your pet.  Very little will harm your pet (See Oxygen Destroyers,

Part 4:  Godzilla Do's and Dont's

     DON'T trust the Japanese Defense Forces to keep your pet under
control.  The Navy and the USAF continue to react badly to the
appearance of Mitsubishi Zero-Sen aircraft over American sites, and
there's no point in starting up all that again, is there?  Moreover,
spectacular as those weird-looking satellite dish-things are on film,
it is difficult to dub in the animated laser beams they shoot in real
life.  A final note:  Japanese Defense Force activity in other parts of
the world may cause all of Asia to panic.  U.S. military activity in
any part of the world may cause the entire world to panic, particularly
in parts of Washington, D.C., Europe, and the Middle East.

     DON'T attempt to help your pet when shedding.  The removal of even
one fleck of skin from his vast outer hide will undoubtedly expose you
to over eighteen times the NRC maximum annual roentgen level for
high-level atomic plant workers.  Mist him down (using either slurry
planes or a convenient fireboat) from a distance.  If you think your
pet is grouchy enough most of the time, his first shed will be a major
learning experience for you.

     DON'T operate a computer anywhere in the vicinity of your pet's
habitat (current Godzilla owners reading this are already in big
trouble).  Like many members of his family, your pet will immediately
appropriate your video display for basking sessions (See FAQ on Monitor
Lizards, and, in Georgia, Savannah Monitor Lizards).

     DON'T attempt to control your pet's behavior with the use of
tactical or strategic nuclear weapons.  Despite the first rate-
opportunities for urban redevelopment and national guilt they offer,
exposure to even the tiniest amounts of U-238 and Tritium are likely to
make your pet return to a feral state.  They sure as blazes won't hurt

     DO take your pet to a showing of Jurassic Park, since he gets few
enough chances to laugh out loud as it is, and since he will
undoubtedly put the audience on their best behavior.  A white-hot jet
of glowing radioactive plasma is the cure for even the most determined
cinema talker.

     DO allow your pet to mix with the rest of your pet collection. 
Dogs and inquisitive cats will develop an entirely new attitude toward
your herptiles as a consequence, and even the most crotchety of iguanas
or burmese pythons will develop an entirely revised sense of self-
esteem if they survive the aftermath.

     DON'T attempt to control your pet's behavior with an oxygen
destroyer.  Although initially effective, your pet will have an
annoying tendency to reappear even after being entirely skeletonized by
such an agent, and, obliging Japanese chemists of late have become
increasingly unwilling to immolate themselves because of your
careless use of nuclear weaponry.  You will not only have your pet
back again, you will have him back with an ATTITUDE.

Part 5:  Breeding Your Pet

     You will have very little to say about when, where, how, or with whom
your pet breeds--recall the saying about the sleeping habits of a 500
pound gorilla.  You will be able to determine whether or not your Godzilla
has bred by a certain smug and relaxed expression on his usually-dour
features, and perhaps the presence of one or more cigarette butts among
his substrate.  In Japan, immature Godzillae are called Meen-Yas, in the
United States, Barneys (see the PURPLE.DEATH FAQ).  Both types are noted
for their inability to blow forth clouds of white-hot plasma, and a
certain perverse desire to spend a great deal of time with small children. 
It is best to discourage this tendency on both sides as your newest
problem matures. 

Part 6:  General Behavior and Tips

     Generals in the presence of a Godzilla tend to scream wildly for
the heaviest available firepower--but not for long.  You can prevent
avitamintosis in your pet by exploding several low-level dirty nuclear
airbursts in his immediate vicinity, but in fact, the general behavior
noted above should provide that for you.  Your pet is apt to be on his
worst behavior in the presence of a Japanese fishing vessel, but the
perennial bad luck of Japanese fishing vessels in the presence of
atmospheric radioactivity means that there is really very little you
can do about it.  Besides, if you object to current Japanese whale and
dolphin slaughters, it is possible to take a certain kind of unholy joy
in exactly what is going to happen.

     As your pet ages, you may notice changes in behavior.  At his
youngest, he is at his most irritable and grouchy, and even as a mature
leviathan he may fly into an extremely destructive rage at the sight
of a Perry Mason re-run or movie on television.  As he mellows, you may
find him wrestling playfully with King Kongs, Ghidrah the three headed
monster (See MONSTER-0 FAQ ), Rodans (See MACH-3 FAQ ), Mecha-Godzillae,
cockroach-aliens, or other sea monsters (see alt.sci.worldconquest,
talk.aliens.icch, and 20,000 LUS FAQ).  He may even begin marginally
socially-acceptable behavior, such as saving the world from the
clutches of the Smog Monster (see alt.environment.worstcase) or
Megalon.  Recent studies, however, show a return toward grouchy
behavior as time progresses.

[=] © 1994 Peter Langston []