Trolling for Taillights (and related Effluvia)
Date: Thu, 30 Jun 94 00:26:56 PDT
Subject: Trolling for Taillights (and related Effluvia)
Forwarded-by: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: email@example.com (Sam Cramer)
Forwarded-by: firstname.lastname@example.org (Rich Holland)
Forwarded-by: email@example.com (Howard Roark) writes:
Forwarded-by: firstname.lastname@example.org (Joseph Beckenbach)
This has passed through several hands. The citation I have for it
is one John De Armond <email@example.com>, who appears to be one of the culprits.
Trolling for Taillights (and related Effluvia)
Draft 3.0 (05/25/92)
Trolling For Taillights (TFT) is becoming one of America's fastest
growing highway participatory sports. It is loads of fun, requires
only modest equipment and achieves justice on the highway. And it is
Good Clean Fun (TM) at least until the target has to clean his drawers.
TFT refers, of course, to the sport of communicating to other drivers
by stimulating their radar detectors and observing and recording their
responses. Only simple radio equipment is needed: an old microwave
burglar alarm will do fine. More sophisticated equipment such as
a Kustom KR-11 Instant On Moving Police Radar will yield better and more
consistent results. Nontheless $10 worth of Gunn Oscillator will
achieve quite adequate scores if the proper skills are practiced.
How it Works:
Think of RADAR as a Tractor Beam. It's a vector-subtraction
ray, a negative speed insertion device: If the target is ahead,
it sucks them back toward you; if they're behind, it pushes them
away. One can also think of it as a high-tech version of the
American Indian game of counting coup. In short, think of it
as evolution in action, as in Road Warrior.
Because the target of your trolling may react erratically, certain basic
safety rules are necessary.
* No trolling of vehicles with less than two car lengths of clearance
behind and in the lane to either side (if applicable.) This allows
for an Unindended Deceleration Transient (UDT.)
* No trolling of Texas Cadillacs (pickemup trucks.) with large dogs
standing on the toolbox. The dog might not like it.
* A minimum of 1/10 mile clearance between you and the target is
required if the target is placarded with any of the following:
"Nuclear Weapon" (2/10 mile for this one.)
It is desirable to recognize outstanding fishermen in our ranks. Accordingly
the following special award catagories are established:
* The Million Dollar Club - A million total points.
* The Kilobrake Trophy - Causing one thousand Brake applications.
* 1000 Points of Light - Causing the most simultaneous brake lights
in any one year.
* Worked All States (WAS) - Snagging a trophy catch originating from each
of the 50 states.
* Golden Jam Award - Causing the largest traffic jam as a result of
trolling WITHOUT involving a wreck in any one year.
If you think you qualify, contact the management for your award. Video
tape is highly recommended for scoring purposes and for documenting when
the cop mistakes your head for a baby Harp Seal.
Rules of Engagement:
Proper trolling posture is in the right or next to right lane with
the Radar at the ready but out of sight and de-energized. Speed
should be at or slightly below the speed limit.
An eligible target is any vehicle that meets the above safety
specifications and has a radar detector.
A target proceeding at greater than 20 mph over the posted speed
limit is the most fertile in terms of variety of actions and
presents the best odds of winning Adders and Multipliers.
Forward - Wait until the target is a few car lengths in front of
you and fire phasers. Best results are achieved if the Radar is
bounced off a sign or overpass ahead of both you and the target.
It is best to confine your range to that where you know your Radar
will cause the target's detector to go full scale.
Rear - Generally confined to eliminating Rear Bumper Dwellers because
of the difficulty in scoring, the best technique is known as the
Annie Oakley style. Simply lay the Radar across your shoulder and
fire. Since you are achieving line of sight contact with his
detector, the results are spectacular. The Tractor beam in action.
Setting up for Subsequent Shots:
If you have a target that appears to be fertile for a repeat
multiplier, the best technique is to wait a minute or two and then
pass the target. This encourages the target to resume trolling
speed again. Lead the target for awhile to build his confidence
and then lift the throttle and coast. Allow the target to pass you
again and when you achieve minimum clearance, fire again. Repeat
Phasors coupled with the vague recollection in the target's mine
that you just slowed way down will generally lead to spectacular
trolling. This technique can be use up to about 5 times (10 on
yuppys and lawyers) on a given target before he figures something's
up. About the 4th or 5th shot is the optimum time to set the target
up for a nuke (see definition below.) The use of an intergalactic
communicator (CB) is vitally handy for assessing the conditions
favorable for nuking.
Special Techniques and Definitions:
These techniques have been found to produce better scores than shooting
for lone targets.
Nerd Herding: If you spot multiple cars equipped with radar detector, you
can herd them into a cluster by zapping them each time one tries to pass
Wolf Pack: Played by two or more cars in convoy, communicating on an
obscure non-CB frequency: Wingman trails leader by about 1/2 mile,
spots targets and gives early warning to leader. Leader fires
rearward, hitting the marks with a strong head-on signal. Wingman
confirms hits. Leader and wingman try to see how many marks they
can herd between them.
Left Lane Bandit Blasting: This dual purpose technique yields good
scores and frequently busts up Left Lane Bandit clumps. This is the
one instance where clearance rules are relaxed. This is used when
the trolling vehicle is stuck behind a bunch of left-lane-bandits
proceeding side by side with geriatrics (real or premature) in the
more right lanes. If there are more than 3 or 4 cars in the clump,
odds are one vehicle will have a radar detector and will be driven
by a target who will respond to the troll even when going below the
speed limit. Also known as the Paranoid Factor. Technique is to
lift throttle (to give you some room) and firing into the crowd.
The inherent entropy introduced by the tractor beam will tend to
scatter the cars so that you can find a way through the mess. You
bust a left lane bandit and score at the same time. Also known as
Yuppy Puppy: Canine Critters, generally of a large/exotic/expensive breed
and always an utterly stupid, undisciplined monster.
Yuppy Larvae: Similar to Yuppy Puppy except of human origin. Generally
the result of her taking something seriously he poked at her in fun.
Also known, depending on context and age, as "accident", Yard Ape,
Busted Rubber, Curtain Climber or Precious. Personality characteristics
are almost identical to the Yuppy Puppy except that the Larvae is
louder and is generally allowed in restaurants and movie theaters
where they do maximum damage.
Scoring is done in accordance with the following table. This table
recognizes the added value of multiple hits on a given target and on
the difficulty inherent in getting multiple responses from one hit.
The easiest way to score is to get one of those handheld counting
"clickers" like are used by the gate keepers at the ballpark to count
fans. This is that chrome golf-ball sized orb that contains a
mechanical counter and a pushbutton that increments the count.
Available from your local office supply store for a nominal price.
Scores can be kept in a log book for submittal to the management.
Winners (and L00zers) will be recognized accordingly.
Basic scoring: What the target does: Select all that apply and add.
Looks about, slows down = 1 point
Tail lights = 2 points
Hard braking = 3 points
Lane change = 3 points
Hides his radar detector = 4 points
Blue smoke from tires = 5 points
Hits an exit = 10 points
Turns off detector = 10 points
Pulls over and fakes car trouble = 12 points
Hits median and goes the other way = 15 points
Bonus Adders: Add these bonus points to whatever you got above:
Fuzzy dice + 1 point
Suction Cup Garfield (or other critter) + 1 point
Was already below the speed limit + 2 points
Cellphone in use + 2 points
Radar detector has cord draped across dash + 2 points
Eating/drinking interrupted + 2 points
" " " , stuff spilled + 4 points
Audio hit * + 3 points
Yuppy puppy on board + 3 points
Yuppy larvae on board (see definitions) + 3 points
"" "" "" with sign announcing same + 5 points
Slapping of yuppy larvae interrupted + 4 points
Vanity tag + 5 points
CB ** see below
Makeup being applied + 6 points
Head to head hit (opposite direction) + 8 points
Bimbo (male or female) + 10 points
Sexual act interrupted + 15 points
Off-duty cop + 20 points
Fully dressed police cruiser + 30 points
Confirmed lawyer + 40 points
Lawyer w/vanity tag that says "Tort" + 50 points
* Audio hit - when you're close enough to hear the target's detector
** CB radio. Take 5 points for initial report of your hit on CB radio
and 5 points for each 10 minutes it's talked about.
Just all 'em all up and then do the multiplier.
Multipliers: Take all that apply.
Each subsequent hit on a target X (count of hits on that target)
Yuppy scum X 2
BMW/Benz/Porche/Jap clone thereof X 3
Motorcycle X 5 (reflects rarity)
Yuppy puppy bus (minivan) X 4
Lo-riders, similar vehicles X 3
Junker X 2
Nuke * X 10
* "Nuke" is the term used when the target is baited into busting a
real radar trap. Ticket must be issued to count.
Penalty box: Subtract these points:
Target shoots back with single digit of the hand - 2 points
with radar - 5 points
with gun - 10 points
Caught for speeding while trolling - 10 points
Caught for more serious infraction while trolling - 15 points
Operating without a radio license - 20 points
Getting trolled by another competitor * - 20 points
Getting caught by the Phuzz without license - 25 points
Getting caught by Uncle Charlie without license - 30 points
Having trolling implement confiscated - 40 pts + disqual.
Caught for speeding by RADAR while trolling - 50 points
* Defined as responding as a target to another competitor's tractor beam.
OK guys, let the Games Begin!
firstname.lastname@example.org (Comendante of the Riders of the Purple Phase Chapter)
Founders and Charter Members of the TFT Guild
© 1994 Peter Langston