Rodney Dangerfield Bits
Date: Mon, 26 Sep 94 14:38:51 PDT
Subject: Rodney Dangerfield Bits
[I don't know if this was a transcript of a Dangerfield appearance or just a
clever simulation. It's probably not a transcript because when I've seen him
live I haven't laughed, but I did laugh at this. Then again, maybe it's just
something wrong with me... -psl]
Forwarded-by: LeClub International <email@example.com>
From: Avi Golden <firstname.lastname@example.org>
*I GET NO RESPECT*
"Good crowd... good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok
now, but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and
found out I was the sap."
"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for
"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."
"When I was born... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through."
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
"My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet."
"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room."
"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"
"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control."
"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to
my father. He said he wanted more proof"
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the
"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning"
"Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him... Do you think we'll ever find them" He said... I
don't know kid... there are so many places they can hide."
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth
floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said... On your mark... "
"On Halloween... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year...
one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different... when I answer the door
the kids hand me candy."
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips... yet she
won't drink from my glass!"
"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"
"For two hours... some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper."
"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"
"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New
York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him... how am I
supposed to get from London to Tokyo? ... He told me... That is why we give
you 21 days.
"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii... No days...
"They say... Love thy neighbor as thy self... What am I supposed to do? jerk
him off too?"
"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she
was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said... did you see the guy that
did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."
"A girl phoned me and said... Come on over there's nobody home. I went over...
Nobody was home!"
"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."
"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."
"One day... as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy... Hey buddy... why are you doing that for? He said... Because
you came home early."
"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go
to the bathroom!"
"I went to see my doctor... Yeah... I told him once... Doctor... every morning
when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong
with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to
have a few drinks and get some rest."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
"My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath... he holds up his arms"
"My dentist has bad breath... ... Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him... If you don't mind I'd
like a second opinion... he said... Alright... you're ugly too!"
© 1994 Peter Langston