Date: Fri, 14 Oct 94 12:49:39 PDT
Forwarded-by: lanih@info.Berkeley.EDU (J. Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: Margret G Lippert <lippertm@MIT.EDU>
Is your manuscript 213 words too long with the deadline in 10 minutes? Do
the last two citations run over the 10-page limit? Are your lines already
running off the page? Is the move from 5-point to 4-point looking
*** NO MORE ***
Now, No-Knuthing Technologies presents SquishTeX, the first typesetting
program with a compression coefficient, $\alpha$, that allows you to
continuously vary the length of your document from original size to zero
without ever violating journal submission guidelines. If $\alpha = 1$,
SquishTeX performs in the same uncompromising, idyllic fashion as the
As $\alpha$ is decreased towards 0, SquishTeX uses a variety of proprietary
devices to cleverly condense your text.
* Substitution of almost-equivalent citations, but with shorter
names and fewer authors. Elimination of citations of authors
unlikely to be on review boards.
* Elision of unnecessarily pompous literary devices: adjectives,
adverbs and prepositions, for instance.
* Automatic use of thesaurus to find short equivalents of long
relativistic -> fast
superlative -> rad
1.56 * 10^37 -> a lot
* Elimination of vowels and consonants that seem "obvious enough".
* Wide-scale deletion of mindless drivel.
* Use of the "you can guess the rest" syntactic construct.
Turn a 200 page thesis into an 8 page conference paper ($\alpha = .04$)!
No document is too complex. New users will marvel at the sophisticated
foreign air about their papers!
© 1994 Peter Langston