The Tom Swifty Thang
Date: Wed, 2 Nov 94 23:19:36 PST
Subject: The Tom Swifty Thang
[Like many art forms based on cleverness, the Tom Swifty seems to be a form
whose primary audience is ... the artist. The very mention of Tom Swifties
brings a deluge of works from proud artists anxious to share. Of the recent
deluge some are really clever, some are really lame, and the bulk lie somewhere
in between. I've bundled several Tom-Swifty-related messages (so that a single
delete can dump them all, should you tire of the form)... -psl]
Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Free Swifties Foundation.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Michael I Bushnell)
Someone mention Tom Swifties. Ah, fools. I now feel compelled to
post the following. And I have no guilt.
Some members of the Free Software Foundation, instead of writing
high-quality free software, spent the last week thinking of Tom
Swifties. It's pun, Pun, PUN at the GNU Project!
What we've observed is that not only does making swifties get easier
with practice, but it is a contagious habit as well. We hope that
soon the entire Internet community will be unable to conduct normal
business for lack of concentration.
--Noah Friedman and Mike Bushnell, Free Swifties Foundation.
"I can't stand baby food," Tom said in a strained voice.
"We're all out of flowers," Tom said lackadaisically.
"I don't have the slightest idea how to milk this cow," Tom said in utter confusion.
"Ed is the Standard Text Editor," Tom sed.
"It needs more seasoning," Tom said sagely.
"Don't forget to shut down the computer," Tom said haltingly.
"I don't have any piano music," Tom said listlessly.
"Finish titrating that solution," Tom said in a balanced tone.
"I am writing lots of little verses," Tom said blankly.
"I've just been drafted," Tom said impressively.
"I feel like I'm running around in circles," Tom said squarely.
"And what should you set your PS1 shell variable to?" Tom prompted.
"I like to draw pictures with lots of detail," Tom said graphically.
"The printer is using too much toner," Tom said darkly.
"I can chown files," Tom said in a privileged tone.
"Read the appendix," Tom finally said.
"It's really windy outside," said Tom with gusto.
"I just don't understand the number seventeen," Tom said randomly.
"I like Gregorian chants," Tom intoned.
"My feet hurt," Tom said pedantically.
"I'm gainfully employed at the Weight-Watchers gymnasium," Tom said wastefully.
"My terminal is completely screwed up," Tom cursed.
"The Hurd is running," Tom said collectively.
"You light up my life," Tom said brightly.
"I'm all out of soda-pop," Tom said effervescently.
"Are we going to have a test today?" Tom said quizzically.
"I can't think of a good AI technique," Tom said searchingly.
"I'm having deja-vu," Tom said again.
"These are very nice apples," Tom said tartly.
"All the cherry trees are dead," Tom said fruitlessly.
"Turn that fan off," Tom said coldly.
"Remember to kill all the child processes," Tom said on signal.
"VI is much better than EMACS," Tom said with joy.
"The GNU project will probably not be Posix conformant," Tom said noncommittally.
"I really like penguins," Tom said in a flighty voice.
"I recommend listening to radio station ``WHAT''," Tom said quietly.
"He came at me out of the blue," Tom said airily.
"My mouse buttons don't work," Tom said in a depressed voice.
"I hate Frere Jacques," Tom said as he roundly denounced it.
"I only like black and white," Tom said monotonously.
"I've got a bucket full of forearms," Tom said wistfully.
"You've put too much peanut butter on the sandwich," Tom said thickly.
"Forty-two," Tom answered ultimately.
"I'm really bored," Tom said flatly.
"The sky is falling," Tom said in a crushed voiced.
"The rooster was decapitated," Tom said in a crestfallen voice.
"I'm hardly ever aware of what I'm going to do next," Tom said unconsciously.
"I never get good bridge hands," Tom said in passing.
"I got to get a text-processor that does my files the right way," Tom said awkwardly.
"We'll have to take the stairs," Tom said in an elevated voice.
"I can't get this knife to cut," Tom said dully.
"I can't wait to see the doctor," Tom said impatiently.
"I'm getting fat," Tom said expansively.
"I like sun cartridge tapes," Tom said quickly.
"I hate plastic," Tom said in an artificial voice.
"I'll have to grade your test again," Tom remarked.
"Time to test this new formula," Tom said experimentally.
"I'm sorry to hear I knocked you up," Tom said after a pregnant pause.
"I just burned my hand in the blast furnace," Tom said, overwrought.
"My lenses will stay perfectly clear," Tom said optimistically.
"I can't stop this uncontrollable sweating," Tom said secretively.
"Of course I know how to read," Tom said literally.
"Joe said to get on IRC," Tom relayed.
"I'm completely bankrupt," Tom said senselessly.
"I like amputations," Tom said disarmingly.
"I train dolphins," Tom said purposefully.
"I'm sorry I broke your window," Tom said painfully.
"I think it's time we got married," Tom said engagingly.
"The sequence `M-4' is equivalent to `C-u 4'," Tom said metaphorically.
"I can't drink alcohol," Tom said spiritually.
"Well, we're all here," Tom said presently.
"RTFM," Tom informed.
"I just sharpened my pencil," Tom said pointedly.
"I have to finish sorting these writing utensils," Tom said pensively.
"Superman is my hero," Tom said comically.
"My tape drive is broken," Tom really said.
"Any fresh fruit in the kitchen?" Tom asked peeringly.
"Use the `&' operator to get the address," Tom pointed out.
"I just got some chicken wire," Tom said defensively.
"I'm four feet three inches tall," Tom said shortly.
"Checkmate," Tom said in a bored tone.
"Socialism is dead," Tom communicated.
"You pinhead," Tom said pointedly.
"My hearing isn't very good," Tom said inaudibly.
"The judge sentenced him to the chair," Tom said dielectrically.
"I don't understand how square roots work," Tom said irrationally.
"You have new mail," Tom said in his usual delivery.
"It's patently obvious," Tom said licentiously.
"I'm going to anesthetize these fruit flies," Tom said ethereally.
"I hope this emulsion works," Tom said in suspense.
"Eat me," was Tom's biting response.
"I guess I shouldn't have broken the mirror," Tom reflected.
"What is today's date?" Tom asked in a timely fashion.
"Condensed chicken soup," was Tom's canned response.
"I don't want any champagne!" Tom said, blowing his top.
"This is illegal, I just know it," Tom said with conviction.
"C++ is the wave of the future," Tom said objectively.
"We're going to use decimal notation," Tom said tentatively.
"I'm going to copy this tape," Tom said for the record.
"Who drank the last beer?" Tom asked, hopping mad.
"It's really cold out here," Tom said in a muffled voice.
"Care for some `suan la chow show'?" Tom asked wantonly.
"Be sure to add that host to the DNS," Tom said authoritatively.
"Lisp is such a symbol-minded language," Tom commonly said.
"Well, I guess we should pitch camp," Tom said tentatively.
"I'm fond of Pavarotti," Tom said menacingly.
"I had to remove a bullet from his gluteus maximus," Tom asphyxiated.
"On the other hand, eating at a table is more civilized," Tom countered.
"Well, it didn't increase at all," Tom said, nonplussed.
"The sun rose over the cemetary," Tom said in mourning.
"I've finished counting the horses," Tom said summarily.
"IBM is up 3 points," Tom said, taking stock of the situation.
"If only we could piece together this crime," Tom said in a puzzled voice.
"My brother Einstein was crazy," Tom said in a relative way.
"What's the command syntax in `ed'?" Tom questioned.
"This anesthetic isn't very effective," Tom said unnervingly.
"Here is a broken awl," Tom said pointlessly.
"I don't WANNA get drunk," Tom whined.
"I've amassed too many puns!" Tom said critically.
"My stained-glass windows are leaking," Tom said leadenly.
Edition 2 Authors: friedman, mib, rms, mycroft, kibo
"I can't get this fire started," Tom said woodenly.
"We're going to sue you for that window system," Tom said inexorably.
"How do I decode the inscriptions on this coffin?" Tom said cryptically.
"Tear off the diaper," Tom said rashly.
"We will have to drop them some spare change," Tom said paradigmatically.
"I'm doing titrations," Tom said hungrily.
"There are bugs all over my feet," Tom said pedantically.
"That would sure be a neat trick," Tom said wistfully.
"My hands hurt," Tom said tensely.
"Not *another* Peter," Tom said repeatedly.
"I've made a complete ash of myself," Tom said brazenly.
"When will the Hurd be released?" Tom asked Machingly.
"I just ate a whole jar of molasses," Tom said thickeningly.
"I just poisoned myself," Tom lyed.
"This ASCII standard sucks," Tom said characteristically.
"I can't font a way to do this layout," Tom said leadenly.
"I've burned my tongue," Tom said distastefully.
"", Tom sang in an appallingly acerbic but lively key of C.
From: Nina Feldman <Ninafel@aol.com>
"You haven't defrosted the freezer," Jane said icily.
"I prefer hot dogs," Tom said frankly.
"I got a flat, and I've been looking everywhere for a spare," Tom said,
"Come on, taste the omelette," Tom egged Jane.
"I dropped the toothpaste," Jane said crestfallenly.
"I can't wait till we eat that anchovy pizza," said Tom with baited breath.
"How would you like to spend the night in my private jet?" Tom leered.
"I was trapped on a narrow rock outcrop," Jane alleged.
"Should I push Jane into this small body of water?" Tom pondered.
"Sounds like you're afraid to try acupuncture," Jane needled.
"I don't know whether or not to have french toast for breakfast," Jane
"This knife is dull," Jane announced sharply.
"I lost my tickets to the symphony," Tom said, disconcerted.
"I'll bring the prisoner down," Jane said, condescendingly.
"Eureka! I think I've solved my sexual problems!" Tom ejaculated
("If you send these to Funpeople, do I get partial credit?" asked
Notoriety-Seeking Nina (not a Tom Swifty)) (Of course, Nina really needs no
more notoriety, since her agent came to her house!)
From: email@example.com (Daniel Steinberg)
Subject: Re: The prolific Edward L. Stratemeyer
Well, it's about time Tom Swifties graced the Fun airwaves. They are
my favorite form of one-liners, he said shortly. I'd been thinking of
sending you some, but this scholarly treatise motivated me to do it sooner
rather than later.
"I'm a homosexual necrophiliac," said Tom in dead earnest.
"I have to confess that I'm interested in bestiality," admitted Tom sheepily.
"Let's go scuba diving," said Tom deeply. "Ok, but not for more
than twenty minutes," replied Jane with a measured air.
"How would you like to take a ride in my private jet?" Tom leered.
"Gee, i forgot to buy you flowers," said Tom lackadaisically.
"I guess three's a crowd," said Tom oddly.
"I don't like Greek architecture; it's all rows of columns," said Tom archly.
"I'd like to sue that guy," said Tom plaintively.
"Let's crucify the bastard!" said Tom crossly.
"I wish I could play guitar all night like you" said Jane blisteringly.
"Well, I guess I'm just used to it," replied Tom callously.
"I'm finally going to learn flat-picking," said Jane pluckily.
"The band should drop out for the next two measures," said Tom tacitly.
"Buy me a ticket to see The Man of La Mancha!" demanded Don quixotically.
"I lost my tickets to the symphony," said Tom, disconcerted.
"Wow, this smelly old crossbow practically fires itself!" said Tom aromatically.
"I wish you'd throw me the football once in a while," said Tom passively.
"Those are two undernourished mallards," said Tom paradoxically.
"I can't get my horse to stop!" said Tom woefully.
"I got a flat, and I've looked everywhere for a spare," said Tom tirelessly.
"Where's the whetstone?" asked Tom sharply. "I don't know," replied Jane dully.
"You said you were going to defrost the freezer," said Tom icily.
"Come on, just taste the omelette," egged Tom.
"I love a greasy, juicy hamburger," dripped Dave. "I prefer hot dogs," said
Tom frankly. "Mmmm, me too!" said Jane, with relish.
"I can't wait till we eat that anchovy pizza," said Tom with bated breath.
"I can't decide between french toast and pancackes," Tom waffled.
"I've gained a lot of weight!" said Jane emphatically.
"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.
"Let's go up to the lake," said Tom placidly.
"Shall I push Jane into this small body of water?" Tom pondered.
"Where did you disappear to?" inquired Jane searchingly. "I was trapped
on a narrow rock outcrop," Tom alleged.
"I keep having these anxiety attacks," said Tom fitfully.
"I itch all over," said Tom rashly.
"I think I'm about to pass out," said Jane faintly.
"Sounds like you're afraid to try acupuncture," Tom needled.
"I'll bring the prisoner down," said Tom condescendingly.
"Eureka! I've finally solved my sexual problems!" Tom ejaculated prematurely.
© 1994 Peter Langston