FWI (fun with acronyms)
Date: Fri, 11 Nov 94 02:04:03 PST
Subject: FWI (fun with acronyms)
Forwarded-by: Chris LaFournaise <lafourc@storm.CS.ORST.EDU>
To: All Employees
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are
forced to cut our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program
will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs
outside the Department. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a
review of their employment records before actual retirment takes place. This
phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
All Employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper
management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Department deems
If an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is
considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer
be RAPED or SCREWED by the Department.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the
Department will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The Department takes pride
in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have consistently given our
employees more SHIT than any other department in this area. If any employee
feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate
supervisor, for your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you receive
all the SHIT you can handle.
© 1994 Peter Langston