Fun_People Archive
3 Dec
What A Tool! & New Virus Outbreaks!

Date: Sat,  3 Dec 94 02:53:43 PST
To: Fun_People
Subject: What A Tool! & New Virus Outbreaks!

Forwarded-by: LeClub International <>

From: Thiru Arumugam <>

  This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The
  functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found
  hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.  It boasts of a clump of 
  little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. 

  In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes 
  slowly, sometime quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it 
  is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, 
  often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.  

  Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, 
  pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.  When 
  finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white 
  substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of 
  the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.  

  After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have 
  ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, 
  ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling 
  climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

                  W H A T   I S   I T ? ?

  As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other
  than your very



Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and
then slowly expands back to 200MB

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are

MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that  you're paying too much
for the AT&T virus

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns
you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by c:>

Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers
to itself as an "electronic microorganism"

Right to Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how
old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the
whole dang thing quits

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process
without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut
cant figyour out watt!

Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software
says everything is fine

New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it

Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be
the most important part of your computer

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of

Terry Randle virus: Prints "oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort"

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple

Bobbit Virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it
(but that part will never work again)

Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with
a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem

Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own

Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self distructs
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural

Olie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder

Nike virus: Just does it

Sears virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply
and a set of shocks

Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again

Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything

Kivorkian virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy

Emelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then
subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive
shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before

Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500

George Bush virus: It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new
files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your
hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus

Denver Broncos virus: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT

L.A.P.D. virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your
PC and erases them in "self-defense"

Oral Roberts virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars,
its programmer will take it back.

[=] © 1994 Peter Langston []