What A Tool! & New Virus Outbreaks!
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 94 02:53:43 PST
Subject: What A Tool! & New Virus Outbreaks!
Forwarded-by: LeClub International <firstname.lastname@example.org>
From: Thiru Arumugam <email@example.com>
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The
functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found
hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of
little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes
slowly, sometime quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it
is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession,
often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic,
pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When
finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white
substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of
the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have
ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest,
ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling
climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
W H A T I S I T ? ?
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other
than your very
BEWARE OF NEW VIRUS OUTBREAKS
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and
then slowly expands back to 200MB
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much
for the AT&T virus
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns
you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by c:>
Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers
to itself as an "electronic microorganism"
Right to Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how
old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the
whole dang thing quits
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process
without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut
cant figyour out watt!
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software
says everything is fine
New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be
the most important part of your computer
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
Terry Randle virus: Prints "oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort"
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple
Bobbit Virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it
(but that part will never work again)
Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with
a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own
Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self distructs
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural
Olie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder
Nike virus: Just does it
Sears virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply
and a set of shocks
Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again
Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything
Kivorkian virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy
Emelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then
subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive
shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before
Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500
George Bush virus: It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new
files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your
hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus
Denver Broncos virus: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT
L.A.P.D. virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your
PC and erases them in "self-defense"
Oral Roberts virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars,
its programmer will take it back.
© 1994 Peter Langston