Date: Wed, 14 Dec 94 13:34:33 PST
Subject: News screwups
[I particularly enjoy imagining each of these as a caption for
an illustration... -psl]
Forwarded-by: Tom Kuhn <email@example.com>
From: RICHARD LEDERER'S "MORE ANGUISHED ENGLISH" [?]
*Bush, himself a former director of the CIA, said Gates would not
routinely attend Cabinet meetings but would take part in sessions where
intelligence was necessary for making decisions!
*The Women's club met on tuesday at the home of Mrs Layton. Mrs Knight
gave a review of the book Naked Came I, after which Mrs Farwell gave a
*This is the time of year when all the policemen and firemen hold their
*By then she will have shed 80 of the 240 lbs she weighed in with when
she entered the Peter Bent Brigham Hospital obesity program. A third of
her left behind!
*Thanks to two special people who picked up my wife after a fall from
her bike and broke her pelvis and severely damaged her back and many
other parts of her body. Jim and Betty Kellehar - there are not enough
words to express my gratitude and heartfelt thanks for you and what you
did for my wonderful wife!
*He gave up soccer for a missionary position in Malawi!
*One thousand marijuana plants have been seized in a joint police
investigation near here on monday!
*They have suspended hangings in South Africa now!
*This evening's meeting of the Clairvoyance Society has been cancelled
due to unforeseen circumstances!
*On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go to
those sending flowers, cards and contributing to her husband's death!
*The candidate looked younger than his 40 years, full of energy, and
his sandy hair, stylishly cut and blow-dried, danced as he moved his
six feet around the stage!
*Dear sir, I am a married woman, and I am fed up with being stuck at
home. I wondered if you could help me as I am thinking about starting
to breed with my poodle!
*Police Officer Avery Williamson relied on intuitive judgment when he
exposed himself to an armed suspect who had abducted two children. The
gamble paid off when the man surrendered!
*With the exception of victimless crimes, every single crime committed
in this nation of ours involves a victim!
*The three day outing is climaxed by a huge picnic, which practically
doubles the town population every year!
*The bride was wearing a gorgeous old lace gown that fell to the floor
as she came down the aisle!
*Colorado's wildlife officers are investigating the second death of a
*Man struck by lightening; faces battery charge!
*New study of obesity looks for larger test group!
*Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft!
*Kids make nutritious snacks!
*British union finds dwarfs in short supply!
*Ban on soliciting dead in Trotwood!
*Lansing residents can drop off trees!
*Man minus ear waives hearing!
*Man steals clock; faces time!
*Hospital sued by seven foot doctors!
*Dentist receives plaque!
*Some pieces of Rock Hudson sold at auction!
*Include your children when baking cookies!
*Internal memos on tampons introduced!
*Reagan to have tissue removed from nose!
*Licence permits mounting!
*Acid rain linked to emissions by Reagan's aide!
*Cemetery allows people to be buried by their pets!
*Phone worker cited for helping hurt woman!
*Kicking baby considered to be healthy!
*New housing for workers not yet dead!
*Man trying to get kite electrocuted!
*Police officer shot after stopping car released from hospital!
*Serious crime down, but murders increase!
*6 found slain in Miami; missing toddler sought!
*Fried chicken cooked in microwave wins trip!
*Two teenagers indicted for drowning in lake!
*Cops quiz victim in fatal shooting!
*Drugs and crime are overrated!
*Philadelphia aims at illiteracy!
*Man stabbed, shot; death by natural causes ruled!
*Girl becomes Methodist after delicate operation!
A Minneapolis newspaper story told about the distribution of Community
Chest Funds. The headline boasted, "Big Chest is Aid to Girl Scouts!"
An Illinois paper is credited with this World War 2 suggestion, "Women
Urged to conserve Manpower by Using Boys!"
A Manilla woman, who worked for an American company was kidnapped
(snatched) by four men. She managed to run away while they were asleep.
She then reported (bared) her story to the Manilla Daily Mirror, which
ran this front page headline, "Girl Employee Bares Snatch!"
Back before the second world war, the conservative Saturday Evening Post
ran an article written by the wife of a billiards player. She told how
part of her job was to be her husband's assistant for his exhibitions.
Among her duties was to make sure that all the balls were kept at room
temperature. Here is the headline for the article, "She keeps his balls
*Health insurers should cover new breasts!
*Argus makes offer to Screw Co. Stock holders!
*Columbus discovered virgins, and they are still fascinating!
*Former State trooper loses appeal in Sex case!
* Eastern Pilots mount pickets at airport!
*Woman to drop suit for sperm!
*Beauty Queen unveils bust at dedication ceremony!
*Massive organ draws crowds!
*Women sought for State police!
*Do-it yourself pregnancy kit to go on sale!
*Anti-nudity laws to get a closer look!
*Flasher case nearly wrapped up, campus police say!
*On-the -job harassment responsibility of employees!
*Venereal diseases linked to crack!
© 1994 Peter Langston