Fun_People Archive
24 Jan
The Ant Genocide Debate.

Date: Tue, 24 Jan 95 18:44:55 PST
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Ant Genocide Debate.

Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Todd Kover <kovert@cs.UMD.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Omar Siddique <>
From: (Jason Hellwege)

In a mailing list which I subscribe to there has recently been much debate 
about non-toxic methods of repelling ant invasions. The Ma Kettle type 
remedies which were offered usually involved barriers of coffee grounds or 
baking soda to repel the advancing ant hordes. I felt that these quaint 
approaches lacked the spirit of violence which is a necessary part of 
dealing with these insectoidal invaders. 

So, here's my contribution to the ant genocide debate.



Application: Sprinkle Aardvarks liberally around ant nests and known ant 
hang-outs (seedy ant-bars, and the like).

Pros: 100% Natural, little supervision required.

Cons: Once having consumed their fill of ants aardvarks tend to lose
motivation. Should they gain control of the TV remote they will waste entire
afternoons idly lounging on your furniture, flicking between game shows and
forgetting to close the fridge door when they've raided it for yet another 


Application: Obtain a large pair of boots (hobnailed preferably), obtain a 
friend and arm them with the boots. Apply boots vigorously to the ants.

Pros: Cheap, 100% natural, good course of exercise for boot operator.

Cons: Requires continual application, this necessitates the instilling of a
"Holy War Against Ants" attitude in your boot wielding friend. Show them 
videos of "Them" and "The Hellstrom Chronicles".

Method C: NAPALM

Application: Low level saturation bombing runs by F-111's or similar fighter-
bomber military aircraft.

Pros: Immense emotional satisfaction, guaranteed ant genocide, visually

Cons: Low level saturation bombing runs tend to lower local property values.
Misses can instil ill-feeling in your neighbours should you incinerate 
schools or houses.

Method D: TECHNO

Application: Arrange Net access for the ants, ensure that they subscribe to
Alt.Ant and Soc.Insect. Infiltrate these newsgroups and make frequent posts  
along the lines of: "My pheromone operating system is better than yours", 
"Evil drug companies are withholding antennae rot cures" and "Green Cards 
for Worker Ants Spam" - encourage flamewars to erupt. After a few days ant 
society will collapse in a sea of internecine warfare, ant neuroses and mass 

Pros: Emotional satisfaction of toying with their little minds.

Cons: Expense and difficulty of obtaining thousands of teeny-tiny-terminals.

[=] © 1995 Peter Langston []