Fun_People Archive
29 Jan
The Three Little Pigs

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 95 14:27:57 PST
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Three Little Pigs

Forwarded-by: <> (Nina Feldman)
Forwarded-by: (Irwin Mayers)
The following is an excerpt from _Politically_Correct_Bedtime_Stories_
by James Finn Garner

The Three Little Pigs

Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and
in harmony with their environment.  Using materials that were indigenous to
the area, they each built a beautiful house.  One pig built a house a straw,
one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay, and creeper vines
shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln.  When they were finished, the
pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and

But their idyll was soon shattered.  One day, along came a big bad wolf with
expansionist ideas.  He saw the pigs and grew very hungry, in both a
physical and an ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into
the house of straw.  The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door,
shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending
their homes and culture."

But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny.
So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened
pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in  hot pursuit.  Where the
house of straw had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a
banana plantation.

At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted,
"Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic

At this, the wolf chuckled condescendingly.  He thought to himself:  "They
are so childlike in their ways.  It will be a shame to see them go, but
progress cannot be stopped."

So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks.  The pigs
ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the
house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share condo resort
complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass reconstruction
of the house of sticks, as will as native curio shops, snorkeling, and
dolphin shows.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted,
"Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters
of protest to the United Nations.  By now the wolf was getting angry at the
pigs' refusal to see the situation from the carnivore's point of view.  So
he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, the grabbed his chest and fell
over dead from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty
foods.  The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did
a little dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to
liberate their homeland. They grathered together a band of other pigs who
had been forced off their lands.  This new brigade of porcinistas attacked
the resort complex with machine guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered
the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the
hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs.  Then the pigs set up
a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care, and
affordable housing for everyone.

Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct.  No actual
wolves were harmed in the writing of the story.

[=] © 1995 Peter Langston []