Fun_People Archive
4 Feb
Of Giraffes and Piglets

Date: Sat,  4 Feb 95 00:15:06 PST
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Of Giraffes and Piglets

Forwarded-by: (m.b.komor)
Forwarded-by: "Bay Area Science Fiction Association" <>
From: John Michael Scalzi, II ( wrote:

   The following is an e-mail I sent to Newt Gingrich, in the wake of the
discovery of his comments on the biological urge of men to "hunt giraffes"
and to wallow in ditches "like little piglets":

From: (John M. Scalzi, II)
Subject: Giraffe Poll by Journalist.

Dear Mr. Gingrich:
   My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in
Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments
about men, women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt
giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct a poll to see whether
that innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the little piglet wallowing urge) is
in fact alive and well in the average American male.
   While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically
whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised of white,
college-educated, gainfully employed males, I nevertheless feel that the
information gleaned from this poll will be of some value to someone,
somewhere, some time. Perhaps you yourself, should the subject of
instinctual giraffe slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it
takes up the bulk of my column, to be published this Wednesday, January
   Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever
the case may be.

1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe?
Yes: 0%
No: 100%

2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
No: 96%

3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe?
Yes: 8%
No: 92%

4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal?
Yes: 20%
No: 80%

5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the following
would you choose?
a) Zebra: 2%
b) Rhino: 6%
c) Meerkat: 12%
d) Boar: 42%
e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36%

6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?
Yes: 38%
No: 62%

7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to set up
giraffe ranches?
Yes: 92%
No: 8%

8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get the
urge to stick him with a spear?
Yes: 40%
No: 60%

9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt a
giraffe? Yes: 74%
No: 26%

10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools, or simply
his own mouth?
Tools: 48%
Mouth: 52%

11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a little
piglet? Hunt: 30%
Wallow: 70%

12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?
Yes: 22%
No: 78%

13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?
Yes: 54%
No: 46%

14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?
Yes: 58%
No: 42%

15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?
Yes: 18%
No: 82%

c.1995 John Scalzi

John M. Scalzi, II

[=] © 1995 Peter Langston []