The Zima Patent
Date: Sun, 12 Feb 95 23:28:55 PST
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: The Zima Patent
Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Forwarded-by: email@example.com (Gregor Markowitz)
Forwarded-by: William E. LeClere <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: ZIMA IS PATENTED! END OF WORLD DRAWS NIGH! FILM AT 11.
ALERT ALERT ALERT
Yes, sports fans, ZIMA, the drink of the antichrist, has been patented.
The patent number is 5,294,450 and it issued in March 1994. I am not
making this up. I found the evil document while doing a patentability
search in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. The abstract is excerpted
below. It is assigned to the COORS BREWING COMPANY and no, there aren't
any pictures of culturally diverse X'ers pouring the vile crap into the
helpless mouth of a dead fish.
Behold, ye, and despair!
A colorless malt beverage product. To produce the product, malt and
water are combined in a mash. An enzyme is preferably added to convert
non-fermentable sugars to fermentable sugars. The mash is heated, and
liquid extracted therefrom. The liquid is combined with a fermentable
carbohydrate to yield a mixture which is boiled and combined with yeast.
The resulting yeast-fermented product is decolorized to produce a
clear/colorless base which is combined with a sweetener, tartaric acid,
a buffer, and a flavoring agent, followed by carbonation until the
product is about 0.48-0.57% by weight CO.sub.2. The completed product is
clear/colorless, has an alcohol : real extract weight % ratio of 1 : 0.4
to 1 : 1.5, and has 8-15 calories/ounce. These parameters minimize
consumer sensations of fullness and excess tartness/sweetness/astringency,
while producing desirable taste characteristics and an attractive
"Pray for us now and at the moment of our deaths"
[And I can just hear them at the Senate hearings in 2095...
"No, Senator, we do not market Ninja Turtle Zima or My Little Pony Zima
specifically to children."
"No, Senator, we do not 'manipulate' the alcohol content in our beverages."
"No, Senator, we do not believe alcohol is addictive."
Why 2095, you ask? Well, does 100 years seem too soon to find another Jocelyn
Elders or an FDA that actually wants to do its job? Maybe so, but we can
© 1995 Peter Langston