Committee Report: Why the chicken crossed the road?
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 95 13:27:34 PST
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: Committee Report: Why the chicken crossed the road?
Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: firstname.lastname@example.org (David Borman)
From: email@example.com (GUTA DAVIS)
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
For the greater good.
It was a historical inevitability.
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken
which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the
act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is
equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned,
because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
let it take.
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes
also across you.
National Security was at stake.
Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium
from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it
would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to
be of its own free will.
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and
therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects
"chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
To actualize its potential.
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to
grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
To die. In the rain.
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it
was moving very fast.
Out of custom and habit.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation,
so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the
You tell me.
If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea:
To prove it could never reach the other side.
© 1995 Peter Langston