Date: Sun, 19 Mar 95 12:56:37 PST
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Forwarded-by: Leslie Michelle Stephens <firstname.lastname@example.org>
By: Dave Barry
BEER IS THE SOLUTION
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of Mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Also, the wheel does not cure the common cold, whereas beer does.
This was proved in a recent experiment in which scientists placed two
groups of cold sufferers in a bowling alley. One group was given all the
beer it could drink, while the other group was given only water. After
two or three weeks, the beer drinkers exhibited no cold symptoms
whatsoever, in fact couldn't even stand up, whereas the water drinkers
had all gone home.
Beer can also be used to halt the nuclear arms race. Right now
the missile negotiators drink coffee, so after three or four cups they
get very snappish, which leads to an increased international tension:
RUSSIAN NEGOTIATOR: As I understand your proposal, you wish us to remove
our Thundersquat missiles from Hungary, and in return you will - Would
you please stop that?
AMERICAN NEGOTIATOR: Stop what?
RUSSIAN: Tinkling your spoon against your saucer. All morning long it's
tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. You sound like the collar on a flea infested dog.
I can barely hear myself negotiate.
AMERICAN: Is that so? Did it ever occur to you that I might be tinkling
my saucer so that I will not have to listen to you snort the same wad of
mucus back up your nose every twenty-five seconds precisely by my watch?
You cling to that wad as if it had great sentimental value.
RUSSIAN: Not at all. Let me get rid of it right now. (He blows his nose
on the American proposal.)
In their statements to the press, both sides try to put the best
possible face on things (RUSSIANS EXPRESS VIEWS ON U.S. PROPOSAL), but
the truth is they aren't getting anywhere. Now if you give those
same negotiators a keg of beer, after an hour or so you'll see all kind
of nuclear cooperation:
AMERICAN: Tell you what. You take all your missiles out of France, and
we'll send you over some decent men's suits.
RUSSIAN: Great! Wait a minute. I don't think we have any missiles in France.
AMERICAN: Then put some in, for God's sake!
RUSSIAN: Okay, but won't that irritate the French?
AMERICAN: Don't worry about the little snots. If they give us any
trouble, we'll have Jerry Lewis shot.
With this kind of cooperation, we'd have a lasting arms agreement
in no time, and all thanks to beer.
THE STORY OF BEER
One day nearly a thousand years ago, two serfs were working the soil in
medieval England when one of them accidentally knocked some grain, yeast,
hops, and sugar into a bucket of water. As the two serfs watched in
fascination, the mixture began to ferment, and some knights rode up
behind them and whacked off their heads with swords, as was the custom in
"This is hot work," said one of the knights. "I could forsooth
get behind a clean, crisp, cold beverage."
"Begorrah," said another. "Let's go to Germany, where beer was
And so they did, and they thought the new invention was terrific,
except that they had to go to the bathroom all the time, which is
extremely annoying when you are wearing armor. So they decided to quit
being knights and start the Renaissance, yet another of the many fine
benefits we derive from beer.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN BEER
I really don't know. Back in 1981, I sent away for this mail-order kit
that is supposed to enable you to make your own beer at home. I take this
kit out from time to time, to look at it. It's sitting next to me as I
write these words.
The problem is that you need a bunch of empty beer bottles to put
your homemade beer in, so the first thing I always do is go out and buy a
case of beer and start drinking it, to empty the bottles. While I am
doing this I read the kit directions, and I notice that if I start making
beer right now, I won't have any actual beer available to drink for more
than fifteen days. Also I will have to become involved with something
called "wort". So I always decide to stick with store-bought beer and
save my kit for use during an emergency, such as following a nuclear
attack. I hate to be a pessimist, but I, for one, intend to remain fully
prepared for this terrible possibility until I see some clear sign of a
lessening of international tension, such as the missile negotiators
sending out for a pizza.
© 1995 Peter Langston