Date: Tue, 18 Apr 95 00:25:12 PDT
From: Peter Langston <psl>
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Larry Yaeger)
Dear Friendly Friend:
How many times have you wanted to fill that yawning spiritual void in
your life but just weren't able to find the time or the energy? How
often have you wanted to form a more personal relationship with a
Higher Authority but just couldn't get turned on by that same old tired
selection of Supreme Beings? Haven't you ever wished there was just one
religion out there that understood you, Friendly Friend, that indulged
you, one that fit in with your creative, dynamic lifestyle? Well, at
last, thanks to the Creators of Wauism, there is. Finally, there's a
faith that works for you, Friendly Friend, instead of the other way
around. After all these years, and following an in-depth market
research study, Wauists Worldwide (A full-service non-profit agency not
affiliated with CBS International) has come up with a religion that
draws upon the best features of some of the world's most popular
denominations, but goes them all far better!
Yes, Friend, that's right! Wauism is everything some religions are and
much, much more. It's not just a job, it's an adventure; it's a breath
mint, and a candy mint; it's everything you always wanted in a God and
less. Designed using the latest in CAR (Computer-Aided Religion)
technology, here's just a few of the features Wauism offers:
1. Guaranteed Salvation. Guaranteed. Other religions require you
to behave a certain way in the here-and-now in order to make out in the
hereafter; with Wauism, you can do whatever you want, because your
salvation is guaranteed! Wauism realizes you've got enough to worry
about in life without having to be nervous about where you're headed
after you die, so relax! As a Wauist, death means never having to have
said you're sorry. Whatever Heaven you want is yours; or if you'd
rather just be dead, that's fine, too.
2. Your Choice of Supreme Being. No more arguing about who's more
all-powerful, Jesus or Mohammed, Buddha or Joseph Smith. Stop fighting
about whether Allah could take The Holy Ghost in a wrestling match.
End the endless bickering over whether the Supreme Deity is a He or a
She. With Wauism, you can choose. Using the patented Godolyzer, you
make God in your image. Combine Jesus' hairdo with Mother Nature's
eyes. Add the musical flair of Krishna to the sexual swagger of
Zoroaster. You want a Lord who's vengeful but also knows how to rock?
No problem. Using the Godolyzer, with or without the templates
provided, you make the call.
3. Eat Whatever You Want. Remember fishsticks on Friday? Or how
about unleavened bread? And who--try as they might--can forget "bitter
herbs?" Well, now, thanks to Wauism, you can. As a Wauist, you'll
never have to tongue another eucharist wafer off of your palate or
nurse another hangover brought on from sacramental wine again. Glut
your maw however you'd like, whenever you'd like. Eat all you want,
just want all you take.
4. More Efficient Commandments. Some religions take as many as
Ten Commandments to lay down their laws. Wauism, using the latest in
data-compression techniques, has significantly reduced the number of
Commandments and has also managed to dramatically decrease their
stringency. Think of them simply as a Couple of Suggestions, and if
you'd rather not, hey, Friend, that's quite all right, too.
5. No Sexual Taboos. Has anything turned more people away from
the power above the heavens than the power below their waists? Wauism
doesn't have the problem, because as a Wauist, you Friendly Friend, can
stick or get stuck however you want with whom or whatever you want
whenever or wherever you want. As long as no one gets hurt--or just if
they want to--Wauism says have fun. And be safe.
6. More and Better Holidays. Even the most fun-loving religions
usually have only half a dozen or so major holidays a year. And often
several of these are days of atonement or fasting. Wauism, on the
other hand, features a full complement of 365 full-scale religious
holidays a year! 366 for leap year. And all include presents and
7. No Hazing Rituals. No hitting with sticks. No drenchings in
water. No knives aimed at your privates. Need we say more?
8. No Annual Fee. Because of low overhead (no Gothic cathedrals
to keep up, no sacred texts to maintain, no Crusades to mount) Wauism
is offered to you entirely free! A letter now and again would be nice,
but hey, don't sweat it.
9. 100% Compatibility. Wauism does not require you to change or
upgrade any of your existing religious or sectarian beliefs. It is in
no way mutually exclusive. You can be a Wauist and anything else you
want, too--even Republican.
10. Quit at Any Time. No forms to fill out, no messy dyes to
spill, no one will call you. You can be a Wauist one day and something
else the next. Change hourly if you'd like. By the second if you'd
prefer. Or, be a Wauist forever. It's entirely up to you. So, there
you have it, Friend, in a nutshell--a pistachio to be exact. With
Wauism, you get all the plusses of other religions with none of the
minuses. It's like having your cake and eating it, too. Heck, it's
like owning the whole bakery! And because you, Friendly Friend, are who
you are, and only sometimes somebody else, you have been selected to
participate in this charter membership offer. As a Wauist, you'll
enjoy the benefits of the world's only computer-designed faith as well
as the peace of mind of knowing if the Armageddon does come, it's not
So, join today and start receiving the benefits immediately. All you
have to do is whatever you want. Make no phone calls unless you feel
so inclined. Write no letters unless it strikes your fancy. Send no
money, unless you want to.
Be a Wauist or don't be. You are still surrounded in a cone of love.
D.A. LeTang Wauist
P.S. This offer never expires, relax and breathe deep.
© 1995 Peter Langston