Just Dennis's Opinion
Date: Mon, 15 May 95 12:37:03 PDT
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: Just Dennis's Opinion
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After 50 years, handwritten letters and manuscripts by "Gone With The
Wind" author Margaret Mitchell were discovered in Atlanta, GA this week.
They reveal that Rhett Butler's famous last line to Scarlet O'Hara--
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn"--was originally "Listen, hosebag,
when your phone doesn't ring, it'll be me, OK?"
It's a 'guy joke.' You know, men love women who laugh at guy jokes
and, frankly, that's all we know. Most men don't know what they want from
Ben and Jerry's much less from women. I don't want to get off on a rant
here, but what do I want from a woman? Well, nothing. I, personally, am
married to a beatiful, sexy, intelligent woman and therefore am completely
satisfied physically, emotionally and spiritually. But I do remember what
it was like to be one of you, one of the walking dead staggering from seedy
singles bar to seedy singles bar using your unrequited and, might I add,
diminuative excuse for a hard-on as a sexual divining rod in a pathetic,
fruitless effort to find a woman, or at least someone who has a few of the
body parts, who might actually take nominal intrest in that dog-earred,
hack-kneed, nightmarish story that you have the nerve to call your life.
So I can sympathize.
But I can't really speak for the entire male collective which is so
diverse, it makes the bar scene in Star Wars look like an IBM management
seminar. I will say that one constant theme in man's interaction with women
is the Madonna/whore complex. And, believe me, that's just the tip of the
Oedipal iceberg. Quite frankly, I think that when you get a guy alone,
he'll confess that he not only has a Madonna/whore complex--he's got a
Mother O'Hare/Catholic nun/Hullaballoo dancer/Julie Nwemar-CatWoman/Asian
cigarette girl/Pamela Anderson in a plexiglass house/Miss Hathaway with a
riding crop complex.
And we should also understand this about men--men aren't designed to
be introspective. We don't always know what you're feeling. We don't
even know what we're feeling. Your vagina goes inward, you introspect.
Our penises point outward, we want to knock things over with it.
I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia
Child in the kitchen, Hazel 'round the house, Leslie Visser during a game,
Mary Poppins to the children, Cha Char Muldowny in traffic, Dr. Quinn
Medicine Chick when I'm sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Tereasa when I
come home with leporsy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia
Loren in "Boy on a Dolphin" combined with the voice of Sade and to top it
all off with the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith because, of course, we don't want
to feel too threatened.
So that's the myth of what we want. What's the reality? Well, first
off, put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the
magazine. Now, go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear
you head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking
Tex-Mex." Trick me? Hows about asking me? I'd be glad to tell you I don't
have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is.
But what I look for in a woman is what most guys look for in a woman
and, indeed, what most women look for in a guy--somebody I want to be with,
somebody who's fun, intelligent, attractive. Somebody that won't be hard
to spend time with. All that other stuff is just bullshit.
What do men want? To be treated like a lady once in awhile.
All right, I'm not supposed to do this--I'm not supposed to reveal the
master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell. Here goes. Here's
what men want from women--1 through 10.
1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes.
Yours or ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and a pair of church
shoes. That's it.
2. Don't talk to us when the television is on. Very simple --
television is off, we talk; television is on, we don't talk.
3. When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get
aggressive, that's fine. But don't give somebody the finger and expect
me to defend your honor when steriod-man comes over swinging a pair of
4. Would it kill you to watch "Godfather" with me for the 57th time?
5. Hey, I'm sorry. Some of us see a beautiful sunset and think "you
know, I bet you my accountant is boning me up the ass."
6. You go see "Nell" by yourself. I met enought chicks like that at
Helana's when I was single.
7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship
lasts about as long as William Burroughs in the Boston Marathon.
8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because
Helmut the Office Boy brought you a cup of lima bean consumee instead of a
bowl of lima bean consumee from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in
the friction-burn groin ward at Cedars-Siani.
9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you
don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I tried crying in
front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about 30 seconds and then started
thinking "why the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of the
testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. And if
that's asking too much, hows about a big, sloppy blow job once in awhile?
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
The views expressed are those of Dennis Miller. Some edits have been made
to enhance the reading experience. Please excuse any and all misspellings.
© 1995 Peter Langston