Problem Solved - An Extremely Immodest Proposal
Date: Mon, 26 Jun 95 10:44:42 PDT
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: Problem Solved - An Extremely Immodest Proposal
Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: firstname.lastname@example.org ("Price, Becca")
An Extremely Immodest Proposal
[Note: Free distribution and editing of this text is encouraged,
provided no person attempts to claim copyright]
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or
prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech,
or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to
petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
- The Constitution of the United States
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for a people
to ridicule the political authorities which have governed their society,
and to assume among the other adults of the earth, the separate and equal
station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a
decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should
do so in as effective and humorous a fashion as possible.
The Communications Decency Act of 1995 (as yet unpassed by the House)
attempts to limit any electronic communication which is obscene, lewd or
lascivious. Reportedly initiated out of a desire to prevent graphic
pornography from polluting the tender minds of youth, this Act potentially
renders any US citizen electronically using "filthy" language liable to up
to $100,000 and/or two years in jail.
We can but concede to the wisdom of the Senators involved in sponsoring,
since it is obvious that they know better than the users of the Internet
what is and is not acceptable language. The reduction of electronic
communication to a level acceptable in a nursery playground must be hailed
as a giant step forward, and protests about First Amendment rights must
go unheard in the wave of righteous anger at the thought that minors
allowed free access to the Net may hear certain words.
Yet, we find ourselves in a dilemma. The words banned by this Act are
useful, in that they convey a wealth of information and meaning which would
be sorely missed in electronic communication. Passionate email flirtations
would be greatly cooled by the inability to be specific, and a prohibition
on expressing their fevered rantings will ensure the more juvenile
Usenetters develop ulcers well before their time.
Moreover, simple substitution cannot be acceptable. When it is obvious
from context what word a cipher stands for, that cipher is endowed with the
same meaning and implications as the original word. In the absence of any
compelling reason to keep the substitute in the public sphere, the good
Senators attempting to help us will surely consider these substitutes
Thus, in the spirit of Robert Anson Wilson, we suggest that substitute
words be found which convey these necessary meanings, and yet which those
politicians working tirelessly to protect the public good cannot consider
obscene. Happily, such words exist.
In the event of the Communications Decency Act being passed, we urge all
people wishing to use electronic communications, but forced to limit their
language and thus risk confusion, to consider using the following list of
substitute words, which we feel the Senators involved will be reluctant to
ban or censor:
Byrd: Noun: The posterior or hinder parts, specifically the anus.
Coats: Noun: Excrement, or as a verb to excrete.
Exon: Verb: To copulate with, the act of copulation.
Gorton: Noun: The female genitals, or specifically the vagina.
Gramm: Verb: To orgasm. Also colloquially used as a noun.
Heflin: Noun: The female secondary sexual characteristics.
Helms: Noun: The male phallus.
An example of this usage might be as follows:
"Exon me!", she cried, as I licked her hot wet Gorton. She writhed under
my teasing tongue as her Gramm washed over her, her juices pouring out. I
moved up to suck and nibble her Heflins, only to have her clutch my Byrd,
and drive my aching Helms into her waiting Gorton.
"Coats!", she said, "We're being quoted in a political text!"
In closing, we'd like to thank Senators Exon and Gorton for their sterling
work in attempting to clean up the Internet. We hope that this immodest
proposal will let them know just how much we appreciate it, and that they
should rest assured that we will do our part in making sure their names
are never forgotten.
© 1995 Peter Langston