Cybernews: The Homosexual Agenda
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 95 12:28:04 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: Cybernews: The Homosexual Agenda
Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Joe.Provino@East.Sun.COM (Joe Provino - Sun BOS Software )
Forwarded-by: Michael.Stoddard@Eng (Mike Stoddard, Sun Desktop 1 CAD)
Hide the kids! Bolt the doors! It's the --
There's been a lot of media noise lately about the so-called 'Homosexual
agenda,' so we here at Cybernews decided to get our crack reporters on it
right away. We asked my gay upstairs neighbor Steve. We know Steve is
a homosexual, because:
% His name is Steve.
% He has track lighting.
% There are no empty beer cans in his living room.
% He uses the word 'teal' on a regular basis.
% When all his underwear are dirty he does his laundry, rather
than turning them inside-out for a second use.
% He once said to me "I am gay."
One of our other neighbors told me that Steve is a 'major homosexual.'
We asked Steve about this, and he revealed that yes, in fact homosexuals
may be promoted to seargent, lieutenant, all the way up to general
homosexual (awarded to those who are all-around, or generally homosexual).
Steve also admitted to us that there really is a homosexual agenda, which
he showed this reporter. To the untrained eye, the 'homosexual agenda'
looks just like a regular datebook. Here are just a few excerpts from this
unnatural and family-threatening manifesto:
Tuesday- Walk the dog
Wednesday- Pick up dry cleaning. (Aunt Louise's birthday!)
Thursday- Lunch with Mom
Friday- Library books due
Admittedly, this document wasn't as controversial as we had hoped. It
didn't strike us as the kind of thing people would get beaten to death over.
We asked Steve about this, and he revealed that the real reason straights
are uncomfortable around gays is jealousy. This sounded a bit more likely
to sell advertising space-- I mean newsworthy, so we heard him out. Here's
what Steve told us:
Gay men can walk into a gay bar anytime, day or night, and have quick,
anonymous sex with the partner of their choice whenever they feel like it.
They need not exchange names, get married, make a commitment, or even call
the next day. Do you have any idea what straight guys would give for
instant sex with a different partner whenever they feel like it? They would
give BODY PARTS!
Maybe your boyfriend is reading this along with you right now. Maybe he's
laughing that nervous laugh he has. You know the one.
"I don't know who they're thinking of Honey, but it's not me! A rich,
varied sex life with an endless succession of firm, hot young co-eds is for
guys who haven't experienced the joys of commitment!
"I love that we're waiting until we're married! Love it! The way I see
it, sex is just icing on the cake of a healthy relationship. The important
thing is that we can share our feelings with one another. And that we can
be really open. That's also super important."
How much would you pay for this lifestyle? But wait-- there's more!
Homosexuality also has a little something to offer for the ladies! Here's
a conversation between a straight couple about commitment:
Him: Marriage? We've only been dating for ten years! Of course I
feel... the 'L' word... about you, but I'm just not sure if I'm ready for
Her: Well, take your time. Every day I become older and less marketable
on the dating scene, while your increased income means you become more
marketable. Oh, and don't you worry about my biological clock-- I'm sure
I've got five, maybe six ovum left. I'll just continue to serve as your
surrogate mother and guarranteed lay while you go out drinking with the boys
every night and basically refusing to grow up.
He's not sure he's ready for a commitment? Honey, let me translate that
for you: "What if I marry her, and then someone with larger breasts comes
Now let's see that same conversation between two lesbians:
Her: Wanna move in?
That's right-- one night after softball practice breaks early, the two of
you kiss and BAM! The next morning you exchange vows. NO dating! NO
waiting by the phone! NO "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a commitment right
now." Lesbians move from one long-term relationship to another. And there
are countless other advantages-- NO missing the toilet when they pee! NO
'on the rag' jokes (well, actually, quite a few more of them. But you cycle
together, which is interesting). And while men average 6 or 7 minutes
before climaxing, two women can go for HOURS! You read that right, HOURS!
"But-- I've never really enjoyed oral sex." You say. Honey, that's
because you've never tried it with someone who KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING!
© 1995 Peter Langston