Fun_People Archive
3 Sep
Letter to IRS

Date: Sun, 3 Sep 95 11:49:59 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Letter to IRS

Forwarded-by: lanih@info.SIMS.Berkeley.EDU (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: Shannon Michael
Forwarded-by: Brad Pettit at SYMCU-ACT

This is a real letter by someone at Intel.
The IRS sent me a letter last Friday.  They audited my return and denied two
of my dependent deductions!

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return.  Thank you.
I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years.  They are
evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the
government (who, evidently, is now taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year.  You may
apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.  This
year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17.  She is brilliant.  Ask her!  I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about
their returns.  While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to
hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.  Taxes should be a
breeze.  Next year she is going to college.  I think it's wonderful that you
will now be responsible for that little expense.  While you mull that over,
keep in mind she has a truck.  It doesn't run at the moment so you have the
immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix
the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.  Kristen also has a
boyfriend. Oh joy.  While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex.
This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling it
in the future.  May I suggest you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather
good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14.  I've had my suspicions about this one.  His eyes are a little
to close together for normal people.  He may be a tax examiner himself someday
if you don't incarcerate him first.  In February I was rudely awakened at
three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home.  He and
his friends were TP'ing houses.  In the future would you like him delivered
to the local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT?  Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple.  Permanent dye, temporary dye,
what's the big deal?  Learn to deal with it.  You'll have plenty of time since
he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll
take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal.  Oh yes, he,  
all his friends, have raging hormones.  This is the house of testosterone and
it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.
DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,
inflatables, vehicles or telephones.  (I'm sure you'll find the telephones
a source of unimaginable amusement, be sure to lock out the 900 and 976

Heather is an alien.  She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year.  I'm sure this one is yours.  She is 10, going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties.  She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.  Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses.  Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it.  Good
news!  You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you
are denying!  It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other
two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror.  She
cannot speak English.  Most people under twenty understand the curious
patois she fashioned out of valley girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/
political doublespeak.  I don't.  The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's.  It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish
touch to her voice.  She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one
of her ears pierced four more times.  There is a fascination with tattoos
that worries me but I'm sure you can handle it.  Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think it would be
easier to move the entire thing than find out what it's really made of.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you get to
pick which two you will take.  I prefer you take the two youngest, I still
go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free!  If you take
the two oldest at least I have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager.  If  you take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy.  Please let me know of your decision as soon
as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover
the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,

[=] © 1995 Peter Langston []