Oops! Did we miss it already?
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 95 19:03:32 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: Oops! Did we miss it already?
[If you're going to play this game make sure you've laid in plenty of
Forwarded-by: email@example.com (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: David Boyce <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Yes, it's the long awaited Drinking Game 95. To be used while enjoying
the "Windows 95 Infomercial" coming up this Monday (check local listings
for time and channel). Gather together some good friends, curl up next
to the tv, and call up this posting on your Mac, OS/2, or UNIX machine.
Bill Gates Microsoft Windows 95 infomercial drinking game
***** Drink once:
Every time a cute ethnic child is shown being more productive through the
use of Win 95.
A "new" feature of Win 95 is shown that has been implemented in the
Mac OS, OS/2, Unix, or third party extensions for years.
Someone makes a reference to Bill's money or success.
The word "virtual" is used.
Microsoft's new computer network is referred to as MSN.
When "Joe/Jane Q. Computer User's" computing concerns are solved by Win 95.
A 1-800 number is displayed.
Whenever "plug and play" is used.
A reference to how "easy it is" is made.
An old person is shown using the computer.
The computer speaks directly to the camera.
A spokesman from the Computer industry praises Win 95.
The word "upgrade" is used.
***** Drink twice
When a crappy feature/bug of Win 3.1 has been fixed by Win 95.
Some politically correct/asinine icon/metaphor is used for a standard
function (i.e. "recycle bin")
Someone "doesn't understand" a feature, and needs it explained in detail.
Plug and play is referred to as "p&p".
Any time Anthony Edwards (the host) says the words "World Wide Web."
Large, bloated, yet obsolete mega-corporations, toady up to Bill in the hope
that some of his success will rub off.
Anyone makes a medical joke to Anthony Edwards.
Any time the phrase "Now is the time..." is used.
Someone is shown meeting a "Sandra Bullockesque" love interest through MSN.
A feature of MSN duplicates an existing internet service.
The 'net is referred to as the "Information Superhighway."
You are invited to publish your own Web page.
You are reminded that Win 95 will allow you to attempt any of the following
trivial tasks: Balancing home checkbook/budget, college term paper, manage
your stock portfolio, order flowers or a pizza, play games, email your
grandmother, make plane reservations, 'chat' online, medical imaging,
research dinosaurs, download porn, play "global thermonuclear war," or open
the pod bay doors.
***** Drink thrice
Bill makes reference to his wealth and/or success.
A crappy feature/bug from Win 3.1 continues on into Win 95.
Any reference to "screw-up."
A reference to "You've been waiting a long time, but now here it is..."
They tell you that this is "the last operating system you'll ever need."
A competitor's product is shown.
Win 95 appears to crash the demonstration computer.
Bill breaks down, turns to the camera and says "Easy is not better!"
***** Drain it
A "new" feature introduced in Win 95 is totally original, never before
implemented in Mac OS, OS/2, Unix, or third party extensions.
An animated version of Anthony Edwards or Bill Gates appears.
Anthony Edwards remarks offhandedly "You ever notice how much Windows looks
like the Macintosh operating system?" Drain another if Bill answers, "Nah,
we swiped it from Xerox."
Charlie Chaplin, "spokesman" from the IBM campaign, shows up.
An explanation to why Win 95 was released a scant few months before '96.
Canter & Seigal spam MSN with adds for their latest book before the end of
Bill apologizes for his monopolistic business strategy, crappy software,
and cult of personality. Hands rights over to Linus Torvalds.
© 1995 Peter Langston