The Tax Man Cummeth
Date: Mon, 18 Sep 95 15:40:59 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: The Tax Man Cummeth
Forwarded-by: firstname.lastname@example.org (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: "G.O.G." <OMITTED@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>
Forwarded-by: Sam Damon <email@example.com>
THE TAX MAN CUMMETH
-- by Dana Van Iquity of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
Before you know it, April 15 will be here and your IRS income taxes will be
due. This is not necessarily a truly trying time of tearing out your hair
(scalp, pubic, nose -- whatever) in total anguish and utter frustration.
Especially if you follow the handy-dandy guidelines of D. & V. Iquity (kind
of a cheap gay person's H&R Block tax consulting firm, which is being made
available to you for the mere price of this periodical (in other words, A
REAL BARGAIN, toots).
l don't know about you, but I personally received lovely thank-you note on
page 3 of my IRS package this year, signed by Commissioner Fred T.
Goldberg, Jr.: "Thank you for your help in making last year a success. Our
tax system works because taxpayers are willing to do their part." Well, if
we weren't willing, our only other option would be to become (depending on
our gender) the best boyfriend of Sam the Slammer Slasher or Big Brenda,
Queen of Cellblock Eight. And while I greatly admire the civil disobedience
of Thoreau, I'm not ready to become incarcerated over them. Fred closes
his greeting by saying, "Please let us know if you have ideas that will help
us achieve our goal." Okay, Freddy, you asked for it! We hereby request
certain gay privileges, being the special disposable-income folk that we
are alleged to be.
Since most of us are not married in the legal sense of this word, we are
wrongfully denied spousal privileges. If we have to live with that slob of
a lover and remain reasonably faithful, why shouldn't we claim him or her
as an exemption? And why shouldn't the leather daddies get to claim their
boys as dependents, deducting for the costly expense of S/M training school
and all those broken paddles and whips? And hey, do you think handcuffs are
cheap? By the same token, Sugar Mamas should be able to claim their sweet
baby girls as deductions, don't you agree? What about dowager empresses and
their many, many drag daughters? Supplying all that Max Factor and
Maybelline can really cost a bundle -- not to mention the cost of sequins
by the barrel-load.
Speaking of sequins, are you aware that drag queens have to purchase an
entire wardrobe separate from their three-piece suits and wingtip shoes,
right down to four pairs of hose an evening (to hide those especially hairy
legs)? Shouldn't they therefore have the right to claim their alter ego (for
example, men: "Miss Demenda Mann"; women: "Fonda Pussy") as their other
How about our artificial spouses -- the rubber husbands we keep stashed away
in the nightstand drawer? Listen, those life-like Jeff Stryker dildoes cost
a pretty penny. And consider the added expense of an extra appendage --
such as a strap-on dildo -- for the ladies. Can't you allow these as extra
Then there are our gay children: the four-legged variety. Pusskins and
Doggie-Doggums are not ordinary, common house pets, I'll have you know.
It's no small expense keeping them fashionably attired in those adorable
little Gucci sweaters and rhinestone collars. And their meals! Nothing less
than Kitty Quiche and Puppy Prime-Rib-in-a-Can will do for our furry
dependents. Let us not forget lesbian parents of real human children. If
you won't count the birth mother's mama as a wife, at least consider the
turkey baster for spousal support purposes!
As far as that little title in LINE 4, "Head of Household" goes, I'm sure
every gay male IRS-flier gave head in their house at least once last year,
so they ought to be allowed special compensation. Or does that fall under
the category of itemized deductions for "dental care" in the oral services
While we're on the subject of allowed medical deductions, I demand several
thousand dollars worth for condoms and dental dams!
Now then, in LINE 31. Do we really have to report all our gross income?
I'll tell you the truth. Mine was especially gross last year. But why
should I be taxed for "endowments" anyway? I'm not hung that big, for god's
sake. And what about "prizes and awards~? How do you put a tax value on a
trophy for "Miss Congeniality" in the "Tammy Faye Look-Alike" contest? Or
runner-up in the "Mr. Vanilla Leather Sex" competition? Do you consider my
meager gambling gains in the monthly Drag Mud-Wrestling Games a taxable
income? Or placing twelfth in the Moist Jock Strap contest? Are lesbians
really supposed to report their winnings in the Annual Tofu Bake-Off? And
gratuities -- don't even ask me to report that fifty-cent tip a trick left
on my nightstand. Or would that be better classified as a "rollover"?
Now let talk about gay disabilities. How many of us had some really bad
hair days last year? All the mousse and AquaNet hairspray and industrial-
strength conditioners we had to purchase in an attempt to doctor our dippy
do's. Or those endless, fruitless (pun intended) nights of cruising around
and around the trysting spots, walking up and down the alleys, wearing out
precious shoe leather. Can't we deduct the cost of retreading those
Aside from the usual charities, I know I contributed my fair share buying
20 different Queer Nation t-shirts, 50 ACT-UP sweatshirts, several National
Coming Out Day running outfits, and countless buttons telling people that
"nobody knows I'm gay." And all those charity slave auctions, fifty-fifty
raffles to send a needy leatherman to motorcycle camp, BINGO games to help
finance a poor, bedraggled drag queen's complete makeover and emergency
Page 15 of my booklet mentions "lump-sum distributions." Would this refer
to the fat lumps that some former Miss Gay may have liposuctioned out of
her butt and redistributed to her chest? And how about post-op male-to-
female transsexuals? Couldn't they be allowed compensation for that little
six or seven-inch deduction they made from their body.
Finally, what about LINE 24 concerning "your IRA deduction from applicable
worksheets"? I once dated a guy named Ira, spent a great deal of money on
him, and later that night we really worked those sheets. So do I get my
deductions, Mr. Commissioner? By the way, I am appalled at LINE 28's warning
of a "penalty for early withdrawal." Haven't you read your safer-sex
One exhortation I must strongly emphasize: gay men and lesbians filling out
their forms must not do so while dressed in self-indulgent leather outfits
or silly peacock feathers or any dizzy costumes, because according to page
26, "the law imposes a $500 penalty for filing a frivolous return."
You have been warned, Mary Louise!
© 1995 Peter Langston