Thanks for the Care Package!
Date: Wed, 18 Oct 95 11:02:35 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: Thanks for the Care Package!
Forwarded-by: firstname.lastname@example.org (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: "G.O.G." <OMITTED@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>
Forwarded-by: Marcel Dubois <email@example.com>
From: Anthony Pacheco
I say, the care package you sent was a big hit here, thanks! Below is a
chronological description of the care package consumption:
Sometime before Friday: The Care package arrives. I resist all temptation
to open the package and consume an entire box of Frangos. Very impressive.
Friday 9:45 AM: I arrive early to work and open the care package that was
hidden under my desk. I'm amazed at all the good stuff in side, but
somewhat disappointed to find that there were two boxes of Frango (or what
ever they are calling them now) chocolate mints: I could have eaten a box
and nobody would have known. Oh well. I make a pot of coffee using the
robust Yukon blend, and eat three or four chocolate covered expresso beans.
I send a message to NCABU announcing the goodies.
10:00 AM: The pot of coffee is gone and ErikaPh, my manager, makes another,
which of course I have to sample. All the items are a big hit with
everybody so far, except the chocolate covered expresso beans, which are
only popular with the real coffee fans (who absolutely love them). Not
letting a good thing go to waste, I have a couple more, a mint or two, and
start on my second cup of coffee. I notice Erika actually drank two cups
from this pot, and I start to wonder how I could approach my manager about
making sure she leaves enough coffee for the rest of the queue.
10:10 AM: The pot of coffee is out again so HarveyY makes another. I of
course must sample the Cafe Verona blend and indulge in a few more chocolate
covered expresso beans. Erika again drinks two more cups of coffee. I
frown but say nothing and in my depression eat another Frango chocolate
10:30 AM: There has been a single cup of coffee left for some time, and
not to let it go to waste, I drink it.
11:00 AM: KevinCo sees the empty coffee pot so he makes another, and then
fills my cup under protest. Erika again drops by and fills her mug, and
pilfers some chocolate covered xxpresso beans. For some strange reason, my
typing speed has increased from 25 WPM to 60 WPM,
11:45 AM: For some (unknown) reason, I feel agitated. To bleed of all the
excess energy coming from nowhere, I do 92 pushups while helping a
University of Oregon grad student with Excel. Out the window I notice Erika
is on her second lap running around the building. After all that exercise,
I feel thirsty, so I drink another cup of coffee and for a snack down a few
more chocolate covered expresso beans.
12:10 PM: I now notice that there are people dropping by my cube that
usually don't, in fact, I've seen the entire queue come by and sample some
goodies. I try to chat, but for some reason people seem interested in just
sampling the various yummy Frangos and the chocolate-almond mocha's. Erika
stops by for more coffee and we exchange unpleasantries. I don't recall
the exact conversation, but I do remember the phrases "useless stingy
middle-manager" and "whiney engineer". For therapy I eat a few more
chocolate covered expresso beans and try to look up how to make a car bomb
on Internet's rec.pursuits.anarchy.
1:00 PM: I skip lunch, but do drink another cup of coffee and make another
pot by request. Getting bored, I pick up the Charlotte phone book and start
dialing people at random, asking if they need any help with Excel. Erika
comes by for another cup of coffee. I miss her with the stapler, but she
wings me a good one with one of those cube coat hooks.
2:00 PM: The entire queue, I believe, is wired with caffeine and sugar.
I, being a Seattle native, am immune to these effects. MikeNa is 10 minutes
into teaching his 2nd impromptu aerobics class. It is very interesting to
watch engineers do jumping jacks while holding their Aspect phones.
3:00 PM: HarveyY has built a small shrine for the coffee pot in the empty
cube next to me, and the low humming has started to get on my nerves:
"Huummmmm <sip> Hummmm <sip> Hummmmm <sip>." Some people, I swear.
3:30 PM: The Starbucks Guatemalan blend has been polished off, and a fight
has ensued in the hallway on whether to ration the chocolate covered
expresso beans for later or continue with the consumption. Hastily, I
build a laser pistol out of my MS Mouse card and the power supply from my
Mac II CI, and the fight quickly ends. MikeNa shows up and drags the
unconscious rebels back to their desks.
4:00 PM: If I could just talk to the cleaning people into lending me some
Drain-O, I can complete the car bomb before Erika goes home. The coffee
pot is empty again so of course I make another. Nice guy that I am, I drink
a cup to sample the brew and deem it Most Excellent. I have a couple of
Frango mints to compensate for skipping lunch.
5:00 PM: KevinCo informs me that Erika has been slipping by in camouflage
spandex to siphon off coffee with a long straw. I thank him for this
valuable intelligence information. In a time-honored Seattle Male Bonding
Ritual, we eat 5 chocolate covered expresso beans each.
6:15 PM: I send mail to the entire queue announcing a fresh pot of coffee
(after drinking a cup first) and await Erika to sneak by with glee.
6:20 PM: I caught Erika red-handed. I dodge the pen she tried to stab me
with, and landed a good blow to her left kidney. As she is crawling back
to her desk I hear her mumble something about "time to write a review".
6:25 PM I panic and in desperation, log on to the mail server with a VTP
connection. I hack my way into Erika's Xenix mail spool file and quickly
write, in the Xenix Borne C Shell, a program that will send an email message
every 30 seconds using Erika's email name. I address it to the only people
on campus at the time, Corporate Security, and title the message, "I Want
Bill Gate's Love Child!". I "cc" ingate!ALL@ibm.com and
ingate!JScully@apple.com just for giggles and grins.
7:30 PM: Two security guards show up, one drags Erika away and the other
starts packing her desk. I laugh hideously at her shrieks of protest, and
in celebration jump in my girl friend's sports car and drive around the
Charlotte Coliseum several times at 120 MPH.
8:00 PM: I'm feeling really tired. KevinCo points out that there still an
entire box of chocolate covered expresso beans left. Not wanting them to
go to waste, we each eat half a box.
9:00 PM After successfully typing my 3rd impromptu novel while helping
Betty from Orlando with a data consolidation, MikeNa announces that the
queue has been shut off. After the phone call I drink 14 complementary
beers, and for some unknown reason, still couldn't get to sleep that night.
© 1995 Peter Langston