The BOFH's mild-mannered nephew...
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 95 22:04:09 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: The BOFH's mild-mannered nephew...
[This is a tale told by the Bastard Operator From Hell's mild-mannered nephew
Greg... What? You don't know who the Bastard Operator From Hell is? Don't
you remember the Fun_People postings of 5/14/93 - 5/24/93? Better check the
archive at http://www.empire.net.. -psl]
[UPDATE: now it's http://www.langston.com/Fun_People/ -psl 9/98]
Forwarded-by: firstname.lastname@example.org (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Todd Kover <kovert@umiacs.UMD.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Matt Beal <email@example.com>
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Greg Wheatley)
Work stretches out in front of me, idiots moan and whine from all directions
and it's time for cathartic release. Except there were some complaints last
time and so I'm restricted to pounding keyboard. Oh well, I can dream:
Tales of the Master #2:
In which the Master takes a hands-on approach.
Hey, I've got a problem. Are you listening to me? Are you even
awake? Hello? I've got a problem.
One moment while I contemplate the infinite.
C: But you're playing tetris?
ZMG: The ant looks, but it does not see. What is the nature of this
C: Look, I've got a problem, okay? Can you just come and help? Now?
ZMG Truly you may be said to have a problem. But I despair of solving
it. Let us examine the symptoms.
C: See, it doesn't work. I type and nothing happens.
ZMG Truly a puzzling situation. Tell me, unlearned one, what does it
say on the mystic screen?
C: It says "please insert the disk: Untitled". But what's wrong?
ZMG My son, have you chanced to remove a disk from the drive?
ZMG And have you chosen to favour this disk with a name?
C: Um, no.
ZMG Let us then insert this disk, in the hope that the hunger of the
computer may be satisfied.
C: Okay, if you say so. Hey, it works!
ZMG Truly, your comprehension is beyond understanding.
(5 minutes pass)
C: Hi, it's me again! Remember?
ZMG The memory is as a blade in my soul.
C: Can you come and help me? It's stopped working again.
ZMG And did it in any way indicate distress?
C: Well, it did say something on the screen.
ZMG Tell me, grasshopper, what it happens to say on the screen?
C: You know, the damn thing said the same as last time.
ZMG And did you insert the disk?
C: No. Should I try that?
ZMG The fool must be beaten with a stick, for an intelligent person
the merest hint is sufficient.
C: Yeah, well. I'll try it anyway. Hey! It worked!
(5 more minutes go by)
C: Hey buddy?
ZMG It is a fool who walks unknowing over the abyss.
C: Look, cut the poetry. I've got a problem. Come and help.
ZMG You have followed the mystic rituals?
C: It just doesn't work. Fix it.
ZMG The ox complains not of its burden. Am I less than an ox?
C: See. Nothing I type comes up.
ZMG Truly a vexing problem. A most strenuous solution is called for.
Let us perform the ritual of re-boot.
C: What's that?
ZMG Some things one may not know.
C: Hey, what's that whirring noise?
ZMG Tell me, my son. Did you try to fix the computer?
ZMG Ah! And did you try to fix it by sating its hunger?
C: Yeah, so?
ZMG And was there not already a disk in the drive when you tried
C: Yeah, but that's what we did before.
ZMG One does not achieve enlightenment by copying the actions of
C: Cut the crap. I'm working on something that's due in in an hour
and the damn computers keep breaking down. Can you begin to do
your job and make sure that nothing else goes wrong?
ZMG For the master, all things are possible.
C: Well do it then. God knows, we're paying enough for all of crap.
And for your salary.
ZMG I will prevent further problems.
C: Well about damn time! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!
(Sound of the Master drawing a hatchet from beneath his robes and chopping
off the customer's hand at the wrist, then picking it up and stuffing it
into the luser's mouth)
C: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH <SPTH!>
ZMG The problem will not recur.
*And the luser was enlightened*
© 1995 Peter Langston