Fun_People Archive
15 Dec
Throwing the Book at Them

Date: Fri, 15 Dec 95 19:56:31 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Throwing the Book at Them

Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <>
Forwarded-by: Nancy L Watterson
Forwarded-by: Kristine Lynn Rabberman
Forwarded-by: NEW TIMES <>

                THROWING THE BOOK AT 'EM
* If You're Going to Follow One Biblical Rule,
    You'd Better Follow All of  Them

By Jay Holavarri

   I'm getting tired of this, and I bet you are too. Because I think that,
like me, you've been observing the polarizing debate between the conservative
Christians and the supporters of homosexual rights.
   The debate will never be settled by those two groups, since the outspoken
"Christians" (a misnomer if there ever was one) won't tolerate homosexuals
who, they believe, are perverts bent on plunging into the Lake of Fire and
dragging the rest of America with them. The gay community, with
understandable irony, can't tolerate all this intolerance.
   The result is that the position held by each side remains as immutable as
granite, leaving free-thinking heterosexuals like me right in the middle
between the Word of Almighty God and the precepts of Gay Pride Day.
   That's why I thought it would be useful if a heterosexual, non-atheist
Bible reader such as myself offered a few points for readers to consider the
next time they're confronted by a gay-bashing, Christian commentary.

    First, where does it say in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin?
Several places, one of which is powerful enough to make any God-fearing gay
man shudder.
   "If a man has intercourse with a man as with a woman, both commit an
abomination. They must be put to death." -- Leviticus 20:33.
   Another verse that sounds aimed at transvestites and cowgirls reads
thusly: "No woman may wear an article of man's clothing, nor may a man put on
a woman's dress, for those who do are abominable to the Lord your God." --
Deuteronomy 22:4.
   Both these verses -- and all of the related ones in later Biblical books,
including the New Testament -- are taken from the laws God handed to Moses.
   So, according to the Word of God, if you're gay, you're an abomination and
should be killed. Sorry.
   But wait a minute, all you heterosexuals. Don't feel too smug. Because God
also handed down a bunch of less popular laws that are also supposed to be
followed. After all, I doubt the Lord wanted his followers to pick and choose
among only those laws that were convenient for them, and ignore all the

   Here, then, are seven not-so-deadly and much lesser-known sins that most
of us are committing all the time:
   1. SORRY GIRLS  -- "When a woman has her discharge of blood, her impurity
will last for seven days; anyone who touches her will be unclean until
evening." -- Leviticus 15:19.
   2.  IT MIGHT FALL OFF -- "When anyone has a discharge from his private
parts, the discharge is ritually unclean. All bedding on which anyone with
such a discharge lies will be ritually unclean, and everything on which he
sits will be unclean. Every earthenware bowl touched by the person must be
broken." -- Leviticus 15:12.
   3. THE MARINES ARE IN TROUBLE -- "You are not to cut off the hair from
your temples." -- Leviticus 20:27.
   4.  SINEAD O'CONNOR, LOOK OUT -- "You must not ... tattoo yourselves. I am
the Lord." -- Leviticus 20:28
   5.  CALLING ALL CAMPERS -- "You must have a sign outside the camp showing
where you can withdraw to relieve yourself. As part of the equipment, you are
to have trowel, adn when you squat outside, you are to scrape a hole with it,
then turn and cover your excrement." -- Deuteronomy 23:12-13.
   6.  THE JOHN BOBBITT RULE -- "No man whose testicles have been crushed or
whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the assembly of the
Lord." -- Deuteronomy 23:1.
   7.  TELL THIS TO MASTERCARD -- "You are not to extract interest on
anything you lend to your fellow countryman." -- Deuteronomy 23:19.

   For some reason, there isn't nearly so much squawking about any of these
laws of God. Why not" They're part of the same teaching that right-wing
Christians use to blast homosexuals.
   True Christians would -- and should -- tell you that Jesus Christ changed
all of that when he died for our sins on the cross. Men no longer have to
sacrifice two turtledoves to the Lord and practice special bating rites every
time they touch their girlfriends who are having their period.
   Yet because it suits their won ignorance, some Christians will pick that
anti-homosexual law out of the pages and pages of other laws that they've
long since stopped abiding by and apply it to others. And that's ridiculous.
   It's also a sad and horrible irony that the one Biblical figure who gets
the least airplay by conservative Christians is Christ himself. No doubt this
is because much of Christ's teachings revolved around themes of love,
charity, and forgiveness -- qualities that don't exactly embody the
philosophy of loudmouth Christians like Pat Buchanan.
    So because you'll probably never hear this from a Christian on talk radio
or in the newspaper, here's one of the teachings of Christ that all
Christians -- and those they persecute -- should remember. You've heard it
before, I'm sure. But it's worth hearing again.
   It's from the Gospel of John, 8:1-11, when Jesus was teaching in the
temple. He was asked, "'Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of
adultery. In the law Moses has laid down, such women are to be stoned. What
do you say about it?' ... Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the
ground. When they continued to press their question, he sat up straight and
said, 'Let whichever of you is free from sin cast the first stone at her.'"
   Alas, conservative Christians are far too busy hurling rocks to reflect on
the true teachings of Christ.

[Jay Holavarri is a senior studying mechanical engineering at Cal Poly. This
article originally appeared in the Mustang Daily, California Poly Campus, in
San Luis Obispo.]

[=] © 1995 Peter Langston []