Fun_People Archive
16 Dec
Microsoft Panhandling for Windows '95

Date: Sat, 16 Dec 95 00:50:34 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Microsoft Panhandling for Windows '95

Forwarded-by: larryy@apple.com (Larry Yaeger)
Forwarded-by: "Gordon Garb" <gordon_garb@quickmail.apple.com>

               Microsoft Panhandling for Windows '95

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet
Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for
Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden
opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I
had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates'
vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard
Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At
random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare
any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is
a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet
consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a
little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change
between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to
Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program
politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet
been implemented.

"We're experiencing a little trouble programmiong the No button," Bernard
Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next
couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the
lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or
erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squigee Guy, which will clean up your
Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squigee Guy ships, Windows 95 will
no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. "Gates is a
few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle
Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the
future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have
an entire network of machines asking you for money." Gates responded with,
"I know you are, but what am I?" Then general pandemonium ensued.

© 1995 Peter Langston