Love and Sex for Virgins
Date: Tue, 2 Jan 96 01:29:23 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: Love and Sex for Virgins
[Another one in the Dave Barry vein.... -psl]
Forwarded-by: Jascha Franklin-Hodge <JoeShmoe@Misty.com>
A GUIDE TO LOVE AND SEX FOR VIRGINS
As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions
concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question
and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've
ever wondered about.
Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different
ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act and look like.
However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion
on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar...
preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around
watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting -
it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes
with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older
and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy
him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from
Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try
out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.
Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up
to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach men on
streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple
"hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive
gift. Then invite them to back to your place.
Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a
married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment.
Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife
doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and
continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good
his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since they're not
confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is
that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however,
he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do
Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural
desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for
the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal
thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can
busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even
going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis
measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare
and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or
over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do
everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his
apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust experienced men
or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going
out and buying him an expensive gift.
© 1996 Peter Langston