Barbies We'd Like To See
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 96 17:08:43 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: Barbies We'd Like To See
[Ever a popular art form, the Barbie Takeoff ... -psl]
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Sara Winge)
Warning--politically incorrect material below! Those of you who have
daughters, read it and weep...
Barbies We'd Like To See
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real
curvy belly, generous tits and ass, and voluminous thighs to show girls that
voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner
rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of
Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only
the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera,
detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself
in the Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail,
UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as
compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased
separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make
Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out,
comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed
diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies
in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets
on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys,
expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breast
pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to
chose what she does with her own Barbie.
Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism.
Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver
kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie
Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans.
Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull
cord and she says things like "I don't think so,""Dang, get outta my face,"
and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and
condesending White people.
Transgender Barbie: Fromerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking
machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these
spike heels anyway!"
© 1996 Peter Langston