Fun_People Archive
31 Jan
A Handbook of Social Stereotypes

Date: Wed, 31 Jan 96 16:27:42 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: A Handbook of Social Stereotypes

Forwarded-by: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: gknauth@BBN.COM
From: Wood Jonathan <WOOD@amsa.com>


		THE NINE TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS

Joe Sensitive
	"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as:
	Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages:
	Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages:
	Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus:
	"People are stupid. The world can go to hell.  Let's stay home and
	watch TV."
Also known as:
	Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages:
	Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages:
	Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy
	"I -- I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as:
	Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages:
	Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages:
	Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot
	"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as:
	Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages:
	Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages:
	Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones
	"Zzzzzz"
Also known as:
	Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages:
	Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages:
	Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak
	"Who, me?"
Also known as:
	Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son-of-a-Bitch
Advantages:
	May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages:
	May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts
	"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
	weasels, OK?"
Also known as:
	The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages:
	Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages:
	Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer
	"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous.  I don't know how, but--"
Also known as:
	Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages:
	Tells good stories
Disadvantages:
	Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right
	"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
	weasels in my new yacht, OK?"
Also known as:
	Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages:
	Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages:
	Hunted to extinction


		THE NINE TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS

Ms. Nice Guy
	"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as:
	What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages:
	Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages:
	May wise up someday

Old Yeller
	"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent
	son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as:
	She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages:
	Pays attention to you
Disadvantages:
	Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly
	"Oh, my head. My head. My feet.  My cramps.  My cellulite"
Also known as:
	Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages:
	Predictable
Disadvantages:
	Contagious

The Bosser
	"Stand up straight.  Put on a different tie.  Get a haircut.
	Change your job.  Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as:
	Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages:
	Often right
Disadvantages:
	Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
	"I just can't decide.  Should I switch my career, goals, home,
	and hair color?"
Also known as:
	The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages:
	Easily soothed
Disadvantages:
	Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control
	"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn.
	I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as:
	Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages:
	More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages:
	Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy
	"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
	snickering at"
Also known as:
	No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg,
	Snarly
Advantages:
	Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages:
	You will have no friends

Woman from Mars
	"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about
	our relationship"
Also known as:
	The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages:
	Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages:
	Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl
	"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome
	genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels
	now"
Also known as:
	Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages:
	Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages:
	Will have nothing to do with you

© 1996 Peter Langston