Fun_People Archive
28 Feb
101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet

Date: Wed, 28 Feb 96 03:02:15 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: 101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet

From: Tom Kuhn <>
From: (Reuben King)

by Alan Meiss,


  1.  Post a message asking how to post messages.
  2.  Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly 

     names like
  3.  Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP 

     key, and your home phone in your signature.
  4.  Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups. 

  5.  Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
  6.  Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago 

     with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***"
  7.  Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to 

     news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat. 

  8.  On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
  9.  Ask readers of to post their favorite Zeppelin tune 

     "for a poll".
 10.  Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" 

 11.  Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet 

     have its own sex group.
 12.  Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan. 

 13.  Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.
 14.  Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
 15.  Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of 

     roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex service or 

     "PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne.
 16.  Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing 

     how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have 

     implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.
 17.  Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, 

     and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST"
 18.  Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in 

 19.  Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
 20.  Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable 

     interchange of provocative ideas.
 21.  Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.
 22.  Inform the readers of that your friend at a particular
     address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to 

     send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy 

 23.  Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word 

     "imbecile" in your followup flames.
 24.  Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
 25.  Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
 26.  Post personal ads on groups such as listing your work 

     phone number.
 27.  Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
 28.  Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 

 29.  Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale 

 30.  Advise other readers to ftp to for "really cool nudie pics". 

 31.  Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
 32.  Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you 

     the answers, since you "don't read the group".
 33.  Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as 

     abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and 

     the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
 34.  Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other 

     readers, such as "SoHot4U", "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild".
 35.  Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressingsomeone 

     with whom you disagree as "monkey boy".
 36.  Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight to 

     hell", and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.
 37.  Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your
     uncle's ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River 

 38.  Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas 

     or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and 

     Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and
     ancient astronauts.
 39.  Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their 

 40.  Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly 

     inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not 

 41.  Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ 

     Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer 

     Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.
 42.  Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or 

     pecking a feeder bar.
 43.  Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to
 44.  Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by
     challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible 

     for the word vomit.
 45.  Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs 

 46.  Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting 

     when you cross your eyes.
 47.  Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
 48.  Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
 49.  Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts. 

 50.  Accuse female posters of being male.
 51.  Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
 52.  Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie" because 

     their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.
 53.  Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with 

     consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental".
 54.  If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing 

     others of being Nazis.
 55.  Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a 

 56.  Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
 57.  Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, 

     and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
 58.  Ask readers of for urgent, step-by-step instructions on
     removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark 

 59.  Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico". 

 60.  Post only in Esperanto.
 61.  Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet", and followup with a bill all 

     posts you encounter that contain it.
 62.  Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers. 

 63.  Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
 64.  Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the 

     drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys".
 65.  Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a 

     name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr."
 66.  In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with 

     their account passwords and credit card numbers.
 67.  Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use 

     at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
 68.  List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians for 

     Global Warming".
 69.  Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's performance 

     in World War II.
 70.  Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as 

     if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is 

     superior in
 71.  Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably 

     follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving 

     feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your
     lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge 

     to desist from such activity for all time.
 72.  Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line 

     "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!"
 73.  Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
 74.  Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of oven 

     mitt, little ladies?"
 75.  Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in
     Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again 

     with the original article.
 76.  Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, 

     non-ASCII characters.
 77.  Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of 

     their relevance.
 78.  Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability to 

     distinguish "The X Files" as fiction.
 79.  Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
 80.  Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim 

     show clear evidence of alien settlements.
 81.  Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
 82.  Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax 

     modem usage "in the name of freedom".
 83.  Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts. 

 84.  Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold. 

 85.  Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the
 87.  omit all punctuation
 88.  omitallspaces
 90.  Ask the readers of where to purchase 

     Cantor and Siegel's book.
 91.  Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the 

     "Classified ATF Secret Hotline".
 92.  Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite 

     movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly 

     in its entirety.
 93.  Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are 

     correctly spelled.
 94.  Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate 

     on the topic "AOL users suck".
 95.  Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the 

     assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
 96.  Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it "dply 

 97.  Post to insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave Pearl 

     Jam since they'll never tour again."
 98.  Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in 

     helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
 99.  Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of 

100.  Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of 

     harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored.
101.  Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg 

     has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, 

     and whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Bluto" or

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