Fun_People Archive
5 Mar
Dogbert's view of the candidates

Date: Tue, 5 Mar 96 22:04:47 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Dogbert's view of the candidates

Forwarded-by: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)
Forwarded-by: Kathryn Holmes <>
From: the latest "Dogbert New Ruling Class" (DNRC) newsletter.

	DNRC Political Analysis

The following discussion of US presidential politics will seem useless to
those of you who are not citizens of the US.  But I can promise you that
it will be useless to the US citizens too.  I don't play favorites.

If tradition holds, the nine people who actually vote in the next US
presidential election will base their decision primarily on the
"intangible" qualities of each candidate.  Chief among the intangibles is
the vital question of who each candidate reminds us of.

Phil Gramm
Gramm reminds me of ET.  He's loveable, that's for sure.  But I'll never
forgive him for making me sob uncontrollably on a first date when I
thought the little fellow was dead.  It's hard to act sexy and masculine
at a movie when your head is puffed up like Ted Kennedy at an all night
kegger.  It looks like Gramm is out of the race, but ET fooled us too.

Bob Dole
Dole reminds me of Darth Vader except older and more bitter.  Close your
eyes and imagine Dole with his helmet off, whispering "I am your father,
Luke."  On one hand, it might be good for national defense to have Darth
Vader at the helm.  But on the other hand (the one with the pencil),
Darth tried to kill his own teenage son, who went on to star in some very
bad movies.  I think it sends a mixed signal about family values.

Steve Forbes
Forbes reminds me of our leader, Dogbert.  Everybody knows that the
average voter is an idiot, but Forbes is actually DOING something about
it:  the flat tax proposal.  Experts agree that the flat tax would raise
taxes on the middle class, but predictably, the idiot-infested middle
class supports the idea because they don't pay attention too closely and
they think their taxes will go down.

Forbes' own taxes would go way down, and his company would make out like
a bandit.  You have to love a candidate who isn't afraid to treat the
whole thing as an investment.

Bill Clinton
Clinton reminds me of the water stain on the ceiling above my shower.
Every morning I ask myself how much it's really bothering me, then I
decide to leave it there for another four years.

Richard Lugar
Lugar reminds me of a cross between Mister Rogers and Alfred E. Newman.
Lugar's experience looks good on paper, but deep down I'm worried that he
puts his underwear on backwards about half the time.  Then he calls his
wife in to show her that he "Did it again" and then they both laugh
hysterically at the fact that he's trying to become the leader of the
free world.

Pat Buchanan
Buchanan reminds me of a huge, angry beaver:  industrious, yet rodential.
 I imagine myself sitting in a log cabin, looking out the window and
seeing him just sitting on my lawn scowling and licking his lips.  I know
that if I go to the post office, I'll come back to find my house
disassembled and floating on a nearby stream.

I recommend building a large aluminum fence around Buchanan's tour bus to
keep him away from the rest of the country.


Later on, it says:


Note to Steve Forbes:  Bribery works

------- End of Forwarded Message

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