Fun_People Archive
9 Mar
I hear She works in wondrous ways...

Date: Sat, 9 Mar 96 17:46:09 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: I hear She works in wondrous ways...

Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <lanih@info.sims.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu (Jennifer L Michael)
Forwarded-by: Lee-Ellen Marvin

When Philadelphia Orchestra conductor Eugene Ormandy died, he approached
the pearly gates with the expectation that he would continue to enjoy his
celebrity role in Heaven.  He was surprised when St. Peter confronted him
with the question, "Who are you?"

EO:  I'm Eugene Ormandy.

SP:  Wait just a moment, please, while I check my list.

EO:  You don't have to do that.  Evrybody knows me. I've conducted the
     Philadelphia orchestra for 40 years.

SP:  All the same , I've got to check my list. (Moments pass.)
     Hmmm...  I'm sorry, mr. Ormandy, but you aren't on my list.

St. Peter pulls the cord and the trap door opens, sending Ormandy down to
Hell.  The Devil is there, and says "Welcome, Mr. Ormandy, I've been waiting
for you."  The Devil clamps one ring of a handcuff around Ormandy's wrist,
and says "Come on, I can't wait to show you your punishment." The devil
takes Ormandy to an ugly, smelly, old hag and clamps the other handcuff ring
around her wrist.  "Your punishment is to spend eternity with this woman.
Why don't you take a walk and get to know each other?"

Ormandy walks glumly along with his companion, and soon sees Fritz Reiner
just ahead handcuffed to Marilyn Monroe and kissing her passionately.  This
is too much for Ormandy, who whirls around and stalks back to the Devil,
dragging his hag along.

EO: What the hell is this?  I spend 40 years as the beloved leader of the
    Philadelphia Orchestra and am condemned to spend eternity with a hag.
    The tyrannical and fearsome Reiner terrorizes the Chicago Symphony for
    all his reign, and he gets Marilyn Monroe!

TD: Now, Mr. Ormandy, Marilyn Monroe's punishment is none of your business!

© 1996 Peter Langston