At the gym
Date: Thu, 14 Mar 96 19:34:08 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: At the gym
Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: Carl Staelin <firstname.lastname@example.org>
From: email@example.com (J. Stuart Read)
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at
the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the
varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead
and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who
said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I
arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something
of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me
the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing
next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed
watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit
ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the
whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya
had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then
she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth
it. Muscles feel GREAT.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I
have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as
I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a
little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other
club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster.
Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise
would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't
help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my
shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word
"dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she
sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing
machine. It sank.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not
in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good
idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any
barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to
sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a
science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the weather channel.
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife
will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the
© 1996 Peter Langston