Fun_People Archive
19 Mar
WhiteBoardness - 3/18/96 - nuts, nuts, & travel

Date: Tue, 19 Mar 96 00:23:13 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: WhiteBoardness - 3/18/96 - nuts, nuts, & travel

Excerpted-from: WhiteBoard News for Monday, March 18, 1996

Fresno, California:

Rocky, a powerful 100-pound Rottweiler male, will undergo neutering surgery
Monday in Fresno and emerge -- if all goes well -- looking none the less,
thanks to a substitute pair of "Neuticles."

Rocky is fortunate, if he cares, to be what Neuticles inventor Greg Miller
says is the first Neuticles patient in California.

Neuticles are cosmetic canine genitals designed to make dog owners, and
maybe even Rocky, feel better about this life change.

Polypropylene, a material that coats some human implants and surgical
equipment, is a key ingredient of Neuticles, says a news release from the
Canine Testicular Implant program, run by CTI Corporation, of Buckner,
Missouri.

The information runs under the heading: "Neuticles, Looking and Feeling the
Same."

The normal neutering operation runs $42 to $125, varying with the dog.  For
this operation CTI supplied a set of Neuticles -- which cost $30 a unit --
for free.  CTI sent several extra sets.

Rocky belongs to concrete mason Greg Samel, who won access to Neuticles for
Rocky through a radio contest show.  Rocky submitted three ghost-written
paragraphs on why he wanted Neuticles.  The essay was fairly low humor along
the lines of "missing the boys."

Samel said the Neuticles movement was "probably a male thing," meaning a
concern among men, not women.  He didn't think his wife, Karen, cared one
way or the other.
==========

Spokane, Washington:

Conformation is important.  And good breeding is paramount.

But size still counts at the Cowman's Classic All Breed Bull Sale.

And not just body weight.

"Thirty-six-point-five, that's good-sized for a yearling," said one rancher,
reading the stats on a black Angus bull that fetched $9,000 -- a record --
during last month's auction at the Spokane International Fairgrounds.

That's 36.5 centimeters in circumference -- slightly larger than a softball.
The scrotal measurement was listed alongside each bull's weight and lot
number on the auction program.

Ranchers study the numbers the same way sports fans memorize heights,
weights and batting averages.

"Just because they're big doesn't mean they're fertile," cautioned Dr. Randy
Scott, a large-animal veterinarian who works at the annual sale.

"But bulls with bigger testicles tend to service more cows and they pass
that size on to their calves."

In fact, bulls that don't measure up are barred from the sale, which is
known for its quality breeding stock.  The minimum is 31 centimeters.

That measurement is only one indication of a good bull.  Buyers also look
at muscle conformation, and the length and thickness of the animal, as well
as its weight when it was born, when it was a year old, and at maturity.

There's no evidence the bulls gave thought to their malehood or appearance
before entering the auction ring.
==========

New York, New York:

Tired of reading travel guides?  "Don't Go Europe," a parody of the Harvard
Student Agencies' "Let's Go Europe," can provide comic relief.

Regarding food, author Chris Harris says: "Unless you count 'squishy,'
British food cannot be easily summed up in a single word like that of Italy
('pasta'), France ('slugs'), or Poland ('no').

A handy tip for tourists in Germany: "...the (Berlin) wall's sections are
either gone or certified art now, and you can't walk up and throw a
sledgehammer at it now any more than you would knock a souvenir big toe off
the statue of David in Florence, which we wouldn't dare recommend, since
there's only one left, and anyway, it'd be easier to snag one of his five
fingers."

And there are "Be Bold!  Be Stupid!  Be American!" tips: "If you ever run
into a French person giving commands to her dog, walk up to her with a look
of shock on your face and say, 'Wow!  I can't believe that your dog can
understand French!"
==========

To subscribe to WhiteBoard News, email: joeha@microsoft.com (Joseph Harper)

© 1996 Peter Langston