Fun_People Archive
2 Apr
Emo Phillips, A 90's Philosopher?

Date: Tue, 2 Apr 96 13:54:42 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Emo Phillips, A 90's Philosopher?

[All these jokes are attributed to Emo Phillips.  -psl]

Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
Forwarded-by: Guenther Stotzky <stotzky@is2.NYU.EDU>
Forwarded-by: David Pramer <PRAMER@ORSP.Rutgers.edu>

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a
skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to
mop the floor with your face."  I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh,
yeah?  Why?"  I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very
well."

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one
just because they're the devil.

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand.  I said "Give me a
bladder por favor."  And the guy said "Is that to go?"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump
up and down and run around yelling and screaming...  They don't know I'm
only using blanks.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off.  So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"  "Why
shouldn't I?" he said.  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"  He
said, "Like what?"  I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"  He said,
"Religious."  I said, "Me too!  Are you christian or buddhist?"  He said,
"Christian."  I said, "Me too!  Are you catholic or protestant?"  He said,
"Protestant."  I said, "Me too!  Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said,
"Baptist!"  I said, "Wow!  Me too!  Are you baptist church of god or baptist
church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!"  I said, "Me too!
Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church
of god?"  He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!"  I said, "Me too!  Are
you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist
church of god, reformation of 1915?"  He said, "Reformed baptist church of
god, reformation of 1915!"  I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge
five dollars for the second glass.  The refill contained the antidote.

I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day,
but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too
far.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll
notice, I sent a paper clip with my return.  Given what you've been paying
for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five
hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

© 1996 Peter Langston