Emo Phillips, A 90's Philosopher?
Date: Tue, 2 Apr 96 13:54:42 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: Emo Phillips, A 90's Philosopher?
[All these jokes are attributed to Emo Phillips. -psl]
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
Forwarded-by: Guenther Stotzky <stotzky@is2.NYU.EDU>
Forwarded-by: David Pramer <PRAMER@ORSP.Rutgers.edu>
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a
skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to
mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh,
yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very
The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one
just because they're the devil.
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a
bladder por favor." And the guy said "Is that to go?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump
up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm
only using blanks.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why
shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He
said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said,
"Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said,
"Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said,
"Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said,
"Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist
church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too!
Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church
of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are
you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist
church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of
god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge
five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day,
but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll
notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying
for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five
hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
© 1996 Peter Langston