Fun_People Archive
7 May
Advice to the Young Bride

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue,  7 May 96 20:56:30 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Advice to the Young Bride

[Although this may seem ludicrous, much of the misinformation here is  
generally accepted as truth; some even by you, I'll bet...  -psl]

From: The Madison Institute Newsletter, Fall Issue, 1894:

                           INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
                            FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
                                  on the
                        Conduct and Procedure of the
            Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage
                              Ruth Smythers
                    wife of the Reverend L.D. Smythers
                      Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist

                          Published in the year
                            of our Lord 1894
                        Spiritual Guidance Press
                              New York City


To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper
upbringing,the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most
terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding
itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and
inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide
for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is
the wedding night,during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak,
by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young
women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and
pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily
take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never
Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of
sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at
best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has
been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the
monogamous home and by the children produced through it. It is useless, in
most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual
initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his
bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring,
such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride
will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the
first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to
reduce this frequency.

Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends
in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very
effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband
would normally commence his seduction. Clever wives are ever on the alert
for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures
of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts
to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month
by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many
wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the
ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this
time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to
hold the husband in the home.

Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as
possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and
degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if
given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting
practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act
in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile
bodies to be mouthed in turn. Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories
about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are
the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.

A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her
unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her.

Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total
darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns
for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in
separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum
of flesh is exposed.

Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should
lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into
the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction,

lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in
the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some
slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access. When
he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on
her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic

If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so
that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss
her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss
her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring
from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will
generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory. If the
husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will
suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he
answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it
may seem at the time.

Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual
contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife
will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only
permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.  She
will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his huffing
and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under
any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as
the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him
about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men
obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful
exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that
there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be
encouraged to soon try for more.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that
the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working
together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in
regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch
apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued.  The
wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first
to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual

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