Fun_People Archive
20 May
A Happy Second Childhood (sounds like a Woody Allen movie)

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 20 May 96 18:37:52 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: A Happy Second Childhood (sounds like a Woody Allen movie)

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <>
Forwarded-by: Mike Grupenhoff <kashmir@umiacs.UMD.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Mark Schleifer <>

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was
younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70
Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile,
male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine,
dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.

I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up
truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to
swerve and avoid him, and this asshole, overaerobicized woman jumps in front
of my car with her hand up.

Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my
window, "Hey, slow down you fucking idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by
nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "asshole" at me again.
Twice? Fuck that. I turn around and drive up next to her.

"Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot?  How, exactly?"

"You were speeding. I watched you."

"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator,
I am.)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?"

"I can hear."

"How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave
him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell
him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I
accelerated to an indicated 33 mph  (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give
the paperwork to the cop.

She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those
big tires? They CAN'T be legal. " I began feeling little overheated gears
in the back of my head start to turn.

"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, " which
makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets
to this asshole?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the
street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here.  According to
Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman
admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen
can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new
favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable
cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her
arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her
cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he
authorized the summonses.

She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a
total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate
insurance surcharge!

Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute.  But the look on her
face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yeah, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.

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