Fun_People Archive
21 May
The Comedian's Eye View from 5/22/96 -- ShopTalk

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 21 May 96 19:25:35 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 5/22/96 -- ShopTalk

Excerpted-from: 5/22/96 -- ShopTalk

    "Macaulay Culkin called police after his father -- Kit Culkin -- slapped
    him for not cleaning up his room.  Officers raced to the scene and
    immediately joined in slapping Mccaulay Culkin."
		-- Norm MacDonald, on SNL


Geologists in Washington State predict that Mt. Ranier will erupt, causing
earthquakes, mudslides and fires.  Says Paul Ryan, "That's so all the people
who moved there from California will feel at home."

In the news: The Voice of America will transmit from a 600,000-watt radio
station in Kuwait to undermine Iran's government.  Says Argus Hamilton, "We
should give them five hours of Rush Limbaugh every day.  Let them be the
hostages for a change."

In leaving the Senate, Bob Dole said he wants to make it easier for average
Americans to identify with him.  Says Paul Steinberg, "Well, he's on the
right track.  Now he has no job and his prospects for the future are dim."

Top-Flite introduced a new multi-layered golf ball designed to deliver
unequaled spin control.  Says Jenny Church, "They're calling it the
Political Consultant."

A medical report says cellular telephones can be dangerous for people who
wear pacemakers.  Says Alan Ray, "One such customer recently suffered a
heart attack.  He opened his bill."

Cher hit the milestone age of 50 this week.  Says the Olympia Daily World,
"Actually, she has the mind of a 50-year-old and the body, depending on
which part, of a 32-year-old, a 26-year-old, a 19-year- old...and she has
the receipts to prove it."

PBS' "Barney" is going to be made into a movie.  Says Ryan, "It has a tragic
ending: He survives."

What goes up: United Parcel Service plans to start carrying passengers on
some flights soon:  "This is probably a pretty good deal, if you don't mind
having your destination tag stuck to your forehead, being forklifted onto
the plane and arriving in a plain brown wrapper." (Bill Williams)

"Each package will be able to bring along one person, as long as he or she
fits in the overhead bins." (Steinberg)

"UPS then plans to start taking people to Europe, but only on package
tours." (Tony Peyser)

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