Fun_People Archive
22 May
The Comedian's Eye View from 5/23/96 -- ShopTalk

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 22 May 96 21:19:31 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 5/23/96 -- ShopTalk

Excerpted-from: 5/23/96 -- ShopTalk

In the news: British teen magazines say 13-year-old Prince William is the
new heartthrob of teenage girls.  Says Alan Ray, "His dad, Prince Charles,
has been advising him about women: 'Son, once you meet the right one, never
tell your wife.'"

Bob Dole is trying to distance himself from the controversial Newt Gingrich.
"No problem," says the Cutler Daily Scoop.  "First you grab a cookie, then
you yell 'fetch!'"

Adds Jenny Church, "Gingrich visited the Los Angeles Zoo at the at the
urging of his pollsters, since surveys show that he is seen as 'uncaring'
or 'insensitive' by 85% of man-eating carnivores."

At the Cannes Film Festival, the Golden Palm award went to "Secrets & Lies."
Says Cutler, "Yes, the Hillary Clinton story finally hit the big screen."

Dole chased the good 'ole boy vote with a visit to a stock-car race in North
Carolina.  Says Argus Hamilton, "It is a thrilling sport.  Until Texas
eliminates the speed limit, it's the fastest anybody is allowed to go with
a beer between their legs."

Adds Cutler, "It's fitting that he'd drive a Chevy, since his campaign is
falling 'Like a Rock.'"

In Fall River, Mass., kids who want to join youth athletic leagues must now
undergo a criminal background check. Says Cutler, "If they don't have a rap
sheet, they can play in the local leagues.  If they do have a record, they
get a scholarship to Nebraska."

Hoop-la: For the fourth time, the NBA named Michael Jordan its Most Valuable
Player for the season.  Says Hamilton, "It was a clean sweep for the Chicago
Bulls.  Dennis Rodman was named Miss Congeniality.

Nah, says Alex Pearlstein, "Jordan was named MVP, Rodman was named UFO."

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