Fun_People Archive
19 Jul
The Comedian's Eye View from 7/19/96 Pt. 1

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 19 Jul 96 00:28:09 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 7/19/96 Pt. 1

Excerpted-from: 7/19/96 Pt. 1 -- ShopTalk

Media Circus: Handwriting analysis led to the unmasking Wednesday of
Newsweek columnist Joe Klein as the "Primary Colors" author formerly known
as Anonymous.  Says Joshua Sostrin, "The analyst later concluded that the
Declaration of Independence, as has long been suspected, was indeed penned
by Bob Dole."

The Microsoft-NBC network is now on the air.  Says Alan Ray, "To hook up to
the Internet service at the same time you're watching television, there are
certain system requirements.  First, you must have a lot of time to waste."

Adds Jenny Church, "MSNBC is full of celebrity faces but it needs one more:
Vanna White, to turn all its letters."

European leaders reacted to new US sanctions against Cuba by requiring
Americans to have visas when they visit Europe.  Says Brian Matthews,
"Great, one more place you can't go with American Express."

The newest branch of the California State University system will be Cal
State Channel Islands.  Says Michael X. Ferraro, "There is a remote chance
that the school mascot will be the Channel Surfers."

Princess Di now faces the '90s dating scene.  Says Argus Hamilton, "She'll
probably never re-marry.  You can have a kid who's the future king of
England and today's man will think that's too much baggage."

This week, Fremont, Mich., is throwing a National Baby Food Festival.  Says
Jerry Perisho, "Special exhibits will help new parents distinguish between
the baby food going into the kid and the baby food coming out."

Michael Jackson performed a birthday concert for the sultan of Brunel.  Says
Church, "Due to strict Muslim laws separating males from females, Michael
was not allowed to sit by himself."

Says Paul Ecker, "With pitcher Jim Abbott having a 1-12 record, the joke
going around the California Angles locker room these days is:  "Who's on
first?  Everybody!"

"The Royal Family bears no hard feelings toward Diana.  In fact, they hope
some day she marries a man of letters.  O.J." (Alan Ray)

"Football training camp is here.  Michael Irvin is listed as questionable
for the opening exhibition game.  He recently suffered a slap on the wrist."

"The cast of "Friends" wants 100-grand each per episode.  Critics say
they're not worth it.  After all, they're not saving lives, protecting our
rights, or playing basketball." (Ray)

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