BILL GATES TO GET HALF: You knew it had to happen sooner or later...
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 12 Aug 96 13:29:13 -0700
Subject: BILL GATES TO GET HALF: You knew it had to happen sooner or later...
Forwarded-by: Jef Jaisun <firstname.lastname@example.org>
BILL GATES TO GET HALF
REDMOND, WA -- In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire
Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he will
be getting half.
Gates, whose savvy and aggressiveness propelled his Microsoft corporation
to the top of the business world and made him America's richest man with an
estimated fortune of $18 billion, announced his plan at a press conference
yesterday from his Seattle-area compound. "I get half," he explained.
It has not yet been decided if Gates's half will be taken straight down the
middle or by liquidating all assets and dividing up raw capital. The
question will be settled later this week by a special session of Gates's
half of the U.S. Congress.
"Don't touch anything until you're sure it's not part of my half," Gates
instructed the world's citizenry yesterday via the several million
40-foot-high projection screens he has scattered throughout the globe. "I
don't want anyone messing up stuff in my half."
Until everything can be clearly divided between Gates and persons who are
not Gates, measures will be taken to ensure the integrity of Gates's half.
Citizens are instructed to remain in their homes, consuming a carefully
monitored minimum of their perishables and subjecting their personal
possessions to as little wear and tear as possible.
In the event something belonging to Gates is consumed or damaged, Gates
announced he will take punitive action, levying fines of up to $14 billion,
and may even insist that offenders themselves be included in his half.
"Don't take from my half," the 36-year-old Gates said. "Ice cream and cool
cars are part of my half." Gates also expressed interest in possessing
Apple, IBM and the former Soviet Union.
"You know, I own the Bettman Archive," Gates said. "You can't look at it
unless I say so."
Gates's half will be collected via an advanced subroutine built directly
Windows 95. Computer users without Windows 95 will have it automatically
sent to them, with the cost of the program deducted from their half.
Those without computers will be directed to special Gates-owned
DNA-resequencing centers where a special bio-silicate form of Windows 95
will be injected directly into their bloodstreams. Once in the bloodstream,
the Windows program is designed to breed virally at the base of its host
brainstem and to begin working on calculating Gates's half.
"Everyone must contribute to my half," Gates said. "Any number, no matter
how small, can be divided into two halves, one of which will be mine."
Gates would not comment on the possibility of eventually increasing his
share from a mere half to a controlling interest.
Sources close to Gates would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Gates
might offer up to 15 percent of his half in exchange for the other half of
"The transitional period may be difficult," Gates said. "But it will be
quick. I hope that this time will be remembered pleasantly in the half of
people's minds that remain their own."
© 1996 Peter Langston