Fun_People Archive
13 Aug
The Comdian's Eye View of 8/14/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 13 Aug 96 17:00:44 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comdian's Eye View of 8/14/96

Excerpted-from: 8/14/96 -- ShopTalk

       "He's married to the head of the American Red Cross, so he
        can get fresh blood whenever he wants it."

                             Comedian Harry Shearer on concerns about
                             Bob Dole's health, on MSNBC


Conventional Wisdom: NBC News vowed to cover the GOP convention the
same way it covered the Atlanta Olympics.  "And why not?" asks Argus
Hamilton.  "Both events are designed to grab all the gold and beat up
on foreigners."

Big disturbance last night in the Christian Coalition camp, says Alan
Ray.  "One of its delegates was spotted having fun."

After flip-flopping on abortion and tax cuts, Bob Dole is beginning to
rival President Clinton as a political chameleon.  Says Paul
Steinberg, "This year's debates will consist of each candidate arguing
with himself."

Dole surprised many by picking former political enemy Jack Kemp as his
running mate.  Says Johnny Robish, "I can't think of a better job than
vice president for someone you dislike."

"It's fitting that Dole chose a former housing secretary.  Come Nov.
6, Kemp can help him look for some." (Bob Mills)

A Time-CNN poll says that to win the election, Dole must convert
90,000 voters a day.  Says Hamilton, "He should've picked Billy Graham
as a running mate."

In the news: A blackout unplugged much of the West.  In LA, traffic
was gridlocked, police were on tactical alert..."In other words," says
the Cutler Daily Scoop," it was business as usual."

Adds Hamilton, "Turns out the power grid can't handle the Las Vegas
strip and Jack Kemp's hair dryer at the same time."

The FBI says violent crime is down among juveniles but up among
adults.  Says Robish, "Our criminals are growing up."

In a survey, 46% of women said they would rather go shopping than have
sex.  Says Jay Leno, "That's why men always look so miserable at the

Tom Cruise is being called a hero for the third time this year after
rescuing a family in a boating mishap.  Says Cutler, "Richard Jewell
is asking, 'Has the FBI investigated him?'"

About that woman who had 134 orgasms in one hour: Says Bill Williams,
"It was actually quite easy.  Her husband wore a musical condom that
played 'Flight of the Bumblebee.'"

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