Fun_People Archive
15 Aug

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 15 Aug 96 15:29:26 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Exams

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <>
Forwarded-by: Keith Sullivan <>


My duties as a member of the production staff of Purdue University's daily
student newspaper often kept me out very late.  Returning to the residence
hall at 1:45 one morning, I encountered a freshman in our common restroom
and watched as he filled a bottle with water, downed the contents,
refilled it and drank it down again.  After he'd done this a third time,
I asked, "What in the world are you up to?"

"I have an important exam at 7:30 this morning," he replied, "and I'm not
sure I'll hear my alarm."

Richard W. Kingsley

 From a post to Nutworks by Mike Lutz

The Finals Week item, with 50 things to do during a final you know you will
flunk, inspires me to pass along this true story from RIT.  Acknowledgements
are due my colleague Ken Reek, and former graduate student Ed Ford, who
together pulled the scam off with aplomb.

Several years ago, Ken was assigned two sections of a large service course
taken primarily by business students.  The final exam was multiple choice,
and had a well-deserved reputation for being easy to cheat on (one proctor,
250-300 students).  Ken was determined to plug this hole, at least for one term.

One nice thing about such a large class is that no student knows everyone
else who is enrolled.  Using this, Ken asked Ed to attend the final and
pretend to take it like everyone else.  Ken also told Ed to be as blatent
as possible about cheating.

At the start of the exam, Ken announced that anyone caught cheating off
another student's paper would have his or her exam confiscated and would
fail the course.  As the exam progressed, Ed was peering all around, while
Ken periodically called out "eyes on your own paper."  After about three
such warnings, Ken bounded up the stairs, crossed to Ed's seat, grabbed
the exam, tore it to shreds, and shouted "You're outta here!!!"

According to Ken, Ed's facial expression was a perfect combination of shock
and terror.

For the rest of the exam, the room resembled a monastery where monks were
carefully and studiously working on sacred scrolls.

Darren Chng <>

Copyright (c) Simon Travaglia <>

Let's face it, you can't sit around on your laurels for a whole year.  Most
of the year, sure, but the whole year, never.  (Unless you're an arts major
of course)

The day before your exams, you're going to start worrying.  And you won't
be alone!  Psychologists the world over are all-too familiar with the upset,
which in professional circles is known as the:  "Pre-Exam, Oh-Shit-I'm-
Woody-Station-Wagon (as seen in 8 is enough) Trauma," but is more commonly
known by the layman as "The Pre-exam Sweats."  As a condition, P.E.S. is
fairly simple to treat, but the side effects of massive alcohol indulgence
can be a bit of a trial for some people.  The most common reason that people
seem to encounter this problem is that they have a vision of what their life
will be like once they FAIL their course:  being on the dole or having a
job roadsweeping or something -- an Arts-Graduate success story in other
words.  The fear of ending up like this virtually paralyses the poor
student, and before they know what's happened, the exams are over and they
can't remember the last few weeks, except maybe there was this person in a
white coat who gave them a hat with wires on it that was nice and warm, but
they really aren't too sure...

To combat this, OBVIOUSLY prevention is better than a cure, so I suggest

There are a lot of hidden advantages to this:

   * You stop worrying about taking the exam.

   * You won't actually FAIL the exam as such.

   * You can pretend you're a carrot.  [This last option, is of course only
a reserve, and should not be tried at home, especially around tea-time]

Not turning up to the exam is a good implementation of this idea, but a far
better one is to throw what's known in the trade as a "sickie."  If you do
this however, you have to be really prepared to do the job properly, and
that's what I intend to concentrate on here today.

For a good attempt, you're going to have to put some time into it, so it's
no use having a last minute couple of castor-oil curries and turning up to
the exam with a bag of sloppy turd.  You need a REAL disease, something that
the makes people really feel sorry for you.  The one I always use is
Terminal Nonspecific Syphillitic Glandular Halitotic Miophritus.  With a
name like that, you either get Aegrotat or an Honorary Masters in English.
Get those words on a Doctors Certificate and you'll be in like Gin.  So
first you need a Certificate...

How to fake the Doctors Certificate

Next time you're at the doctor, fake a faint, and when the doctor goes out
to get a nurse (Doctors are notorious for not being able to deal with real
conditions, just symptoms), grab a fistful of the med-centre letterhead
papers.  By the time the doctor and nurse get back you're halfway across
town in your lurex strides and no-one's the wiser.

Grab a typewriter and type at the top of the page "Medical Certificate of
Illness for [Your Name] Incapacitating them from Normal Study &
Examinations."  Once that bit is typed, get a close relative with parkinsons
or epilepsy to write on the page, using words like Terminal..
Non-Specific..  as in my fake illness before.  This should avoid the common
mistake of making the form legible, because 1. Doctors can't write legibly,
and 2. No-one will ever be able to make out what the illness is and
therefore not be able to look it up.

This certificate will work like a charm in most situations, especially when
you scribble a little more legibly "Five days to live" and "Declining Vision
and Bowel Control" at the bottom etc.  To perfect the ploy, hand the med
cert in PERSONALLY and just appear to be a little tired (a good way of
effecting this is to go out on the booze the night before to celebrate your
passing of course).  Pass your cert over and say, "Here's my certificate,
my eyes are a bit stuffed and I can't actually read what it says.  The
doctor said to bring it in as soon as possible, but I haven't been feeling
well the last couple of days..."  They will get to the bit about five days
to live, look at the date at the top of the certificate (back date it so
that today is the fourth day) and ask you how much the doctor told you (to
which you say, "Oh, he just spoke to my folks about it, so I'm not really
sure as yet.  It's probably nothing.") Their cold heart will be bleeding
tomato sauce at this point thinking to themselves "The poor bastard doesn't
know!" so now you put the screws on, to add a bit of impetus to your
application.  You say:  "Actually, I'm feeling quite tired, I just feel like
I could lay down here and sleep forever."

THAT'S the clincher, they might be a cold heartless bastard that would burn
their relatives at the stake to get a TV grant, but one thing they
definitely do NOT want is some student 'popping-their-clogs' in their

So you put the final screws on and wait until they actually say it's OK (and
get it in writing to say so:  "Mum just wants me to prove that I passed for
some reason, she said I HAD to come today, I wanted to stay home and sleep,
I'm just so tired [yawn] ... My this chair's comfortable, I could sit here
forever..." (they just about pass out as you close your eyes.)

And Voila! your Cert is signed.  (Remember your stuffed eyes so bring the
paper up real close to make sure that the buggers are not trying to trap

You will leave victorious!!!  (You come back next year with a "LOURDS"
luggage label on the old backpack and all is explained.  (Piece of the

So that's it, how to take on the system and win one more time -- Cheers!

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